Singled Out

Dear Universe

2008-09-16T18:38:00.003-05:00

I want my groove back. Like seriously. Like right now. I mean, I know I said that I would hold up my end of the bargain if all opportunities were presented and I promised to seize the day and ride that wave until I was lifted so high falling was not an option because the ground was so blurry and out of focus. You promised to get me lifted if I believed in your power.

Well I did. I’ve been hustling, staying on my grind and emitting positive energy and purging my soul of any stagnant and fetid regrets. You know, the ones that take shape in spontaneous episodes of self-pity and midday nightmares of what was, could have been and should be. Well, I’ve been awake and embracing what is. I’m trying to just be. Here. Now. In the moment.

I’ve maintained my end of the bargain and I need you to pay your dues and show me something, anything and real fast. Granted, I usually take the easy way out and succumb to the cult of karma and make sure that my actions are neither harmful nor exploitive of other spirits or souls, but dammit, I need my payout like right now.

You done know that I don’t subscribe to prayer that is selfish, submissive or misguided. I believe in the open-eyed, debit and credit, tit for tat, quid pro quo, tangible and transformative variety of prayer and last I counted, I be sending prayers out like Bush be deploying soldiers in the Far, Middle and Near East.

However, why is that I’m starting to see the same patterns, my rhythm is syncopated and the beat in my music is still slightly staccato. Tell me why that is. Universe, tell me why hardworking folk still can’t get a break. Tell me why those leading healthy and righteous lives get taken away from us.

How come humility and conscientiousness is not rewarded. How come arrogance is revered and thoughtfulness dismissed.

Universe, I'm asking you to take care of that support system that sustains me, the one that DOES lift me higher whenever I need it. You need to make sure THEIR prayers are answered because without them, I cease to be. Forget about me, if you want me back in your realm, listen to them first.

Slam poets

2008-09-01T19:12:00.003-05:00

went to a poetry slam with boyfriend. it was good. i enjoy slam poetry and it had been a minute since I went to see one. found some youtube clips of the winners and they are straight up recycling some of their material at different slams (except for carlos. it's one of my pet peeves to catch performers reciting the same shit year after year, but it was my first time hearing these pieces yesterday...

winner- jamaal st. john
he didn't do this piece yesterday, but i can see that it's a past Toronto offering.

he performed this one below without reading it off the page last night and it came off much better than this clip

2nd place - crystal lee
she performed this one...

3rd place - carlos andres gomez
had no idea he'd been on def poetry jam, he didn't do this piece, but he had me on my feet with a piece about being reduced to an exotic creature in Britain and him cutting up the gawking English lady who kept asking him to speak "Columbian."

Baseball & Bootcamp

2008-09-01T18:58:00.003-05:00

baseball

we have our league play-offs next week and then the season's over. haven't gotten my hands on my stats yet.

my game has consistently improved, but not by much. i still hit like i haven't eaten breakfast, and rarely strike out. i never graduated past the back catcher spot, although my catching at home plate took out some opponents a couple of weeks back which meant the team respected me just a little bit more.

don't think i'd do it again though. this whole thing of playing on sunday morning ain't my thing. i mean, if my own mother can't get me to get up to go to church, you can understand just how much i love my sleep. in fact, sunday is my designated do nothing and sleep in as long as I can day cuz i'm trying to get mentally ready for monday and conquering the world.

weight-watching

after watching countless hours of x-weighted and the last 10 lbs. bootcamp (unless you have Canadian cable channels, that was Latin right there) i've decided to get my ass in bootcamp. i'm not lacking in self-esteem, but i ain't liking what i'm looking in the mirror lately. i wanna lose a few and tone up a LOT. things are jiggling 20 minutes after i've stopped moving.

now, the last time i had any abs to speak of, well, a four pack actuall, i was 17. i ain't stupid and i don't necessarily want that body back. but dang, love handles do not look cute in half the shit that's in my wardrobe. i can't be having my gut sticking out more than my ass. i'm proud of my T & A, but i can't really appreciate it if it's competing with the ever expanding mid-section and back fat. hell no.

so, i've stopped complaining. i'm joining a 4 week bootcamp that starts in late september. i hate gyms and this place allows you to work out outside with your class with a trainer. it's 3 days a week for an hour and i'm ready. before i put the payment through though, decided to watch a class in action tomorrow after work, just so i can mentally prepare my ass of the physical ass whoopin.

goal is to drop 10 pounds and get some strength and endurance out of it. i figure after bootcamp, i can work on all the other specifics.

not looking forward to spending the $250 dollars, but kinda looking forward to purchasing some cute work-out gear for motivation...

i'll let you know how tomorrow goes.

Tryng to stay updated

2008-09-01T18:29:00.004-05:00

What! It's September already? I'm doing such a shitty job of staying on top of things, especially this blog. You see, my ass was unemployed for such a long time that I was on the laptop like 24/7. But after clocking 7hrs 15 min Monday thru Friday staring at a screen, the last thing I wanna do is come home and stare at another screen typing. But that feeling should subside when I get my groove. Anyway, here's the low down.

WORK
Things are going, Sept. 13 mean I’d have been there 3 months. I got fired on my 3 month anniversary at my last gig so you can understand my apprehension as I approach that date.

As promised in an early post a couple months back, here’s the breakdown of the list of characters.

Big Mama
- she’s the Senior VP of the department
- one of the few female execs in the place
- in her mid 50s, never been married as far as I can tell and no kids
- this of course means the cranky spinster stereotypes about
- it’s an open secret that she don’t like non-white folk
- all her favourite people in the department and company just happen to be blonde and blue-eyed
- last month she went behind my back to the manager about me, she thought I wasn’t working the required overtime in order to get my Friday afternoons off every other week
- she thinks I’m barely competent
- she gives me the most mundane and boring tasks to do and never trusts me with any project that require thinking
- she hates all skinny bitches (her words not mine)
- she’s a guy’s gal type of gal that fits into the boys club just right
- she’s got eagle eyes, see shit that’s not even there half the time
- I really wanted to respect her when I first met her
- Soon realized that she’s from the ol’ school of all subordinates are never to be trusted and should be within eyesight at all time to make sure they working

Big Sis
- HR manager out to prove herself
- Trinidadian background with an upper middle class Canadian mentality
- Easily stressed out
- Single mom, trying to piece together her story, but I’m not one to pry
- Insecure about her place there, only been there a year
- She’s had some close run-in with Big Mama
- Was ready to quit more than a few times
- Doesn’t think I’m an idiot, but she’s only now trusting me with actual work and not just silly admin work
- Her alliances seem fickle
- Participates in bitch sessions about Big Mama

Jaded & Bitter
- been there 4 years and never promoted
- she’s cool with Big Sis
- 32, but acts 22
- Going thru a divorce and I hear about it er’day
- Can’t take her seriously cuz she plays the victim card, but goes clubbing 4 days out of the week
- Can’t keep her drama to herself, it’s a known secret she’s crushing and pining over a co-worker in a regional office a few minutes away who just wants to play games with her
- She’s a slacker, but knows how to work the culture and politics of the place

Golden Child
- 23 year old dynamo that brought me in
- She ain’t dumb and will probably be running the department in 5 years
- She’s got her whole life planned already
- She knows how to work Big Mama and make her comfortable
- Jaded & Bitter resents her, but she’s made it so that they’re friends
- I’d say Jaded & Bitter looks at her as a frenemy tho
- Quintessential small time girl with matching earnest and conservative values
- She bakes cakes and cookies whenever we have a meeting
- She whines about being on the Social committee, but I think it’s all plan of her masterplan
- Everyone knows her name and her “profile” which is huge in corporate speak
- I totally respect her hustle
- She’s earned some huge points with Big Mama cuz I’m working and haven’t fucked up so far

Follow that Sound Pt. 2

2008-08-22T22:12:00.002-05:00

So i'm gonna follow that sound until I can find my voice again.
My absence from the blog was not welcomed, it just happened. Been having a hell of a time trying to find my voice.

Suddenly, all my nightmares from 15 years ago are resurfacing. I'm that 13 year old with that heavy Malawian accent in the playground. My vowels desperately trying to wrap themselves around these weird Canadian consonants causing mass discordance that throws me off balance for the next 15 years of my life.

The harsh realities of the immigrant experience on young is not accurately shown. The idea of a proud Canadian identity of diversity is force-fed and ingrained on impressionable minds that we start to believe it, eat it up and tout it's existence. In reality, I should have told the truth. Do I really want to be a globe trotter? Where is home, where do I belong. These questions now haunt me as an adult.

Guilt accumulates for blaming the parents for not having enough money to send me back home on regular visits so that I too could boast of a truly authentic tie to my homeland. But truth be told, I don't even think in my native tongue. As a matter of fact, I have trouble holding a conversation with it. I understand the words as they are spoken to me, but I've lost all understanding of nuance or ability to break down parables, metaphors and all similes. The true form of communication. The ability to relate on a figurative level by using a literal foundation.

As the years pass, I feel less and less like a citizen of the world. In actuality, I could not map out my spiritual home. How can I. I express myself in the language of my adopted country, but it does not always feel like home on my tongue.

I NEED TO GO HOME.

Follow that Sound

2008-08-22T22:03:00.003-05:00

Been watching a new show called "The Cleaner." Have always had a sweet and soft spot for Benjamin Bratt (shame on you Julia Roberts, you didn't know what you had) and I've followed him from the Law & Order days, through some embarrassing Rom-Coms and yes, even thru the disaster that was Catwoman with Ms. Halle Berry, but I feel as though he's arrived with his new show about addiction.

The dark themes of the show suit me just fine and I think he's doing a fantastic job. I swear, the networks are not paying me to write this. It's just that I've been sick of all the junk that's on TV lately and here comes a show that deals with junkies of all sorts in a refreshing way.

All the crime and legal dramas and procedurals get all the glory, but dang, how many times can I watch a show about somebody dying, someone finding out how somebody died, people defending those that caused somebody to die or someone doing something illegal that courts death, you get the picture. It's all death and destruction one level or another, disaster porn if you will. In any case, one of the episodes on this new show featured a song called "Follow that Sound" by Sharon Little. Had no idea who she was, still don't reall, but the song and voice haunted me and so I promptly googled and youtubed her.

Voila, I love her voice. She's got this acoustic pop-soul thing going on but she still remind me of a Jazzy Janis Joplin...does that even make sense. Here's a cut of her live performance. When I can get my concurrent ADD and lazy ass in order, I"ll find out more about her.

Been in a dark place

2008-08-22T21:23:00.007-05:00

There is a lot of darkness surrounding me right now. The clouds are making clarity very difficult. I am working on getting it all out. Whenever I feel this way, the joint below usually helps. It helps me get still, internalize, focus and get me in a meditative state. That's how I can keep up the masquerade...

Caught up in a web of deception, from this shit I done learned new lessons
So what you do, you keep on playing, you play on, player
From love to confusion you keep getting but you keep losin
So what cha find comforting you've proven, boozin, heart bruisin'
I'm the one, from the high note to the low pains you see destruction but your like ah man!
All the voices they're hid in your head, they all laugh ha ha ha ha ha yeah
From your denials to your delusions everything you gain you keep losin
What you not know it's an illusion, so what the hell your doing

He's looking and looking, he's looking and looking, he's looking and looking
He's looking at you, he's looking at me, he's looking and looking
...

You wake up every morning but baby boy you're not sleep
Your test full but your not on
Your running fast but you're not on your feet and your speed is there
You run on but you don't know, you climb inside but you can't grow
Faster and faster til you fall to the floor
You screamed on but don't say
You work and work with no pay, you punch a clock but never end your day
You take vacation but your not playing what we say by this time here my friends drink three
You cry cry revolution, but which you want a solution
But you're more content being a pollution jump in the motion, and ask the notion

He's looking and looking, he's looking and looking, he's looking and looking
He's looking at you, he's looking at me, he's looking at looking
...

Self love self preservation, Self love self preservation, Self love self preservation
...

L O V E love yourself
L O V E love yourself

If you don't like your job, why don't you just quit stop being a bitch love yourself
If you believe things kind work out easily,
I'm telling you if you don't like what your mother's telling you
Then be a grown man and stand up on your own two and love yourself
If your girlfriend's is on welfare, then baby walk away
You don't have to care and love yourself
And if standing on the corner and pushing rocks up in your sock
Ain't what you want to do tonight then love yourself

L O V E your L O V E your L O V E self
He's looking at love

- Self Love by Jaguar Wright

What, it's August Already?

2008-08-05T19:19:00.001-05:00

Ahhhhh, time is just flying by. Haven't been in the blogosphere for a minute. Will catch up with what everyone else is up to before I do that myself....

Easy like sunday morning

2008-07-14T19:30:00.005-05:00

a couple of days have passed since this post. and it definitely feels good to be understood. the tagline to this blog says that i'm tired of the mass miscommunication out there about black women and i just don't mean in the media and the corporate world, i'm also referring to my personal life. to those relationships i forge by choice not out of necessity.

whenever someone takes the time to really listen and try to understand what i'm saying, what i'm doing, what i'm trying to accomplish, it means way more than i know how to describe. so without prompting, i finally got my one on one on sunday and there was no need to stew and simmer about crossed lines or mixed signals or subtext or anything like that. it was just straight conversation. he spoke, i listened. he wrote, i read and he cooked and you know i ate it all up. All of this while he came out to cheer me at my baseball game on Sunday morning, i need a ton of practice. i'm batting .292

don't laugh. i know it's atrocious, but i'll try to get some practice in there soon...

Weekends Are Always Too Short

2008-07-14T19:10:00.004-05:00

went to a wedding on friday. had a great time even though the bride rolled in about an hour late. this was to be expected, however, i was there as the designated wingwoman so my date was a little too anxious to start shopping for potential husbands that we arrived at the church way too early. so fucked around and took silly pictures in the parking lot.

so being there early and having the ceremony start late, it was a long ass day. it was an ex-coworker of ours finally marrying the mother of his two children. definitely went against the grain on that one. ceremony was definitely touching, he was so emotional and she was just so cool and collected, refreshing to see the role reversal. good thing they had some pretty damn good hors d'oeuvres after the ceremony because i didn't have enough breakfast to last me until the reception which was like 4 hours after the church stint.

reception proved to be worth the wait. My ex-co-worker is Ghanaian and he represented by having some elements of his culture compliment the otherwise western style wedding. Always beautiful to see African representing at a function wearing traditional clothes, dancing to some real afrobeat rhythms and just having a good time. I was ecstatic to find out that dinner was nothing pretentious. Just a buffet style offering of world fusion fare and of course, OPEN BAR. i was comfortable. danced the night away in my beautiful but painful shoes which expired after like 3 hours.

**********blogger is acting up and won't let me upload my pics**********

Feels good to be working

2008-07-11T22:59:00.004-05:00

my contract got extended by about 9 months. couldn't have come at a better time. the office has it's own slice of politics and i'll introduce you to the players as time passes by. comedians would eat up this material.

there's the micromanaging senior vp.
the stressed out and overworked middle manager.
the laid back coordinator who can't catch a break.
the chosen one, the hard-working upstart who can do no wrong.
and then there's me. wonder what they really think of me.
we've had several bitching sessions without the svp of course and they've been entertaining, but i know that i've gotta tread very carefully and watch my alliances as the newbie.

in other great news, i'm now a CHRP candidate, i passed my exam! just one more to go until i get my designation.

Subtext & Other Communication Conundrums

2008-07-11T21:41:00.009-05:00

nonverbal communication
usually understood as the process of communication through sending and receiving wordless messages. it's gestures, body language, posture, facial expression and eye contact.

my friends laugh at my honesty policy credo. they believe that some subtext in a conversation is best left alone. i disagree. i don't like stewing and simmering over shit. thinking of all the things I should have said, how I should have reacted. so I'm surprised that today of all days, i had somewhat of a polite fight. i don't know how to navigate this. why couldn't I say what I really wanted to say.

1 text message and awkward phone call later, apparently it's me. i'm the one who's got my signals crossed. i'm assigning meaning and subtext that's not really there. all i know is i was looking fabulous at 9pm on a friday night with nothing to do. what was supposed to be a great evening lasted all of 20 fucking minutes. all this confusion prompted me to go back to the organizational behaviour class i took last year. a generic model of communication goes something like this:

1. An information source, which produces a message.
2. A transmitter, which encodes the message into signals
3. A channel, to which signals are adapted for transmission
4. A receiver, which 'decodes' (reconstructs) the message from the signal.
5. A destination, where the message arrives.

As humans, we are TERRIBLE at communication because we fuck up the feedback loop. That's because we usually fall into any of the following traps:

A. The technical problem: miss the message altogether
B. The semantic problem: we are horrible at conveying that we missed the message
C. The effectiveness problem: missed/misunderstood messages dictate our subsequent behaviour regardless of what was meant by the original message.

All because as a species, we suck at decoding non-verbal communication!!!!!!!!!!!

This pride thing

2008-06-29T21:39:00.011-05:00

the woman who fired me on february 29, 2008 at 9:30am wrote me an email on friday.

Hi - I hope that this email finds you well. I'm finally taking a moment to go through and respond to the dozens and dozens (and dozens) of emails that are in my Inbox, and I came across your message. I wanted to send you a note to say hello and to see how your job search ended up going. I'm happy to help in any way that I can, so please don't hesitate to be in touch.

I hope that you're doing well.

now thing is, i've been trying to forget that day. it was not a good day. i wanted to use my AK, if only i had one. now this. she already sent me an email 11 days after she gave me the pink slip and the email above was a response to MY response to her "reaching out" or as my mom likes to say, her "clear my conscious and get out of hell" free card.

i don't know how to feel about this.

she threw me for a loop during the termination. she kept telling me that i should call after calming down to discuss my career development as well as to use her as a reference. needless to say, i was way too suspicious to use someone who had just fired me for supposed performance issues as a reference. so my response to her first email was polite and went something like, i'll let you know when i need you. and i went around her and secured another reference at the same place. with someone that i actually liked and trusted. i might have been mad, but mama didn't raise no fool. never burn your bridges.

it's been 4 months now and i've only managed to secure a 1 month temporary assignment that's ending in 2 weeks. and she decides to come out of nowhere asking how my job search has been going. is this some kind of a sign that i should just eat up my pride, forgive the bitch and see what she's got to say? is it possible that she's actually got some real advice for me?

this woman has a type A personality and wears it well. this devil didn't wear prada, she used to wear litigator robes. she had so many ways to nitpick, it was actually amusing whenever i wasn't annoyed to high heaven. she liked her papers stapled a certain way and demanded an insane amount of drafts, edits and rewrites on everything. the kicker was that she was well aware of how difficult she was and would actually start every request with, "i know this must be annoying for you, but would you please..." i think she missed the battles in court and had to create her own with all the minions under her in her regular ass desk job.

now, i'm particular about a lot of things myself, but i learned a long time ago that if you want to do something right or a particular way, it's best to do it your damn self. there were a lot of things that she could have done herself, but she took pleasure in delegating the most inane and insignificant tasks and then pointing out all the errors that shouldn't even be there for such a simple job. there were countless impromptu meetings about what she expectated me to do i hardly got any work done!

the one thing she did notice was my interest in a particular area of my field. and that is what brings me back to this email she sent me last friday. she's said that she knows what kind of environment i'd actually thrive in and as much as i hate to admit it, i want to know where that is. i think i might actually email her back this week and open that discussion. what's so hard about this is that i think deep down, she just wants validation from me that she is a nice person and was just doing me a favour by firing my ass so that i could realize my potential somewhere else.

i think she wants to make sure that i'm not here stewing about it and thinking of her as some heartless parasite that didn't give a sister some time to find a plan B while she still had a cheque coming in every 2 weeks. i doubt that this is actually a sincere gesture, i think it's all about maintaining her reputation. hence me feeling like a sucker because i feel as though i'll be granting her absolution so to speak by starting a dialogue with her.

Case of the Ex - It's the Questions

2008-06-24T06:06:00.006-05:00

when is it appropriate to communicate with the ex?
if the break-up was amicable, is it disrespectful to have the ex as a friend?
what is allowed, and what's just out of line?
phone calls? emails? lunch? dinner?
is it weird to talk to your ex while your current significant other is beside you?
which stories do you choose to share about them?
which ones do you hold on to?
why?
do you always fess up when you do communicate with them?
do you have to introduce the two?
what if you were told to stop all communication?
how would you deal with that ultimatum?
would you want to meet your partner's ex?
would that make you feel any better
how much of their history do you want to know?
what do you do when you suspect that there are unresolved issues there?
what if their love for them was deeper, tighter, sweeter, higher?
what would you do?
if you did have the talk, how fortchcoming would you actually be?
do all these speculations mean you're insecure?

teen angst version

the grown ass version

Feelin' kinda alright

2008-06-23T18:30:00.004-05:00

i'm lazy so this is going to be shorthand -
i've been good
getting my love on regularly
hopefully giving some love right back
because we know how karma do

work is alright. the ladies i work with are real cool. i'm seriously auditioning to make this temp gig permanent. i'll post about the gossip mill and politics on the next post.

been playing baseball consistently and the more i get involved and interested, the more my body gets battered and bruised. we play 2 games every sunday and we've won 6 games and lost 4, not bad. i'm too lazy to make it to practice on saturdays, that's when i do everything i don't get to do in the week.

so i've resolved to get to the diamond earlier to practice some hits. current position is back catcher and i'ma work my way up to outfielder, we'll see.
i'm sore right now, my glutes, shoulder blades, right side, all sore. but that means i'm actually doing something physical.

"Don't wait around for other people to be happy for you. Any happiness you get, you've got to make yourself."

- Alice Walker

feelin shitty today

2008-06-17T20:51:00.005-05:00

despite the fact that my little temp assignment which is only in it's third day is going well and that i'm learning something new almost everyday i felt like shit today.

i've got no energy, i'm bloated and my #2s are a pain in the ass - literally, like no pun intended. and i'm a pretty regular girl so this is really cramping my style - so to speak. i don't get it. i don't drink pop and rarely drink juice b/c my beverage of choice is H2O. i'm vegetarian 98% percent of the time except when i eat seafood on the rare occasion so my fibre intake is on point. but damn, even cottonelle can't make this any better.

maybe i should tap one of these new age loopy folks and ask them for a "cleansing" recipe or something. i would love to have a naturopath alongside my regular doctor, but they are mad expensive. i respect them and try to use herbal remedies myself and avoid pharmaceuticals as much as i can, but girlfriend here is broke.

so i've decided to self-diagnose until i can see my doctor on friday afternoon. i think my digestive issues are psychological to some extent. whenever i feel like crap, i eat like crap. not only have i been in denial about my weight gain over the past 4 months, but 70% of my clothes don't freaking fit. had to donate a ton of clothes 3 weeks ago man. come to think of it, that's about the same time i vowed to get more active and get more proactive about my nutrition. in any case, haven't really done anything to improve matters since except continue to play baseball on sundays and buy some lingerie for some sexercise, but that ain't going to cut it. so i'm guessing to get rid of all the crap stuck inside my ass, i'm gonna have to let a whole lot of shit outta my head.

i'm killing myself here, i swear i didn't mean to be this forthcoming about my bowel movements or just plain corny period. just ignore me. i gotta go watch an hour of tv before calling it a night.

Laws of attraction?

2008-06-12T15:59:00.004-05:00

i was just catching a glimpse of an old oprah show on the aftermath of "the secret" and of course conversation turned to the laws of attraction. i never bought into the whole cult of the secret so to speak. i never bothered to read the book and i couldn't get past 10 minutes of the dvd. it just all sounded like "new age" common sense to me. if you think it and become really really really positive about it, it shall come into fruition, right? wrong. also, i was aware that most people would use the message to acquire material things, which is always always always a recipe for disaster.

i mean i know there's a whole bunch of blank spaces (to quote from paul coelho's book i just read; The Witch of Portobello) in our lives that we try to explain away, but we simply can't. no matter how much people convince me of all the "energy" in the world that we can manipulate with our thoughts, i still think that there's a whole lot out there that's beyond our control. i believe that you can't always influence what happens to it, but you can definitely control how you react to it. simple as that.

back to this laws of attraction according to the cult of Oprah (which I belong to from time to time depending on the subject matter of the day). one of the guests said something today which gave me pause. and it's not a huge revelation or anything, again, it's common sense.

she said that whenever we want something bad enough and we keep clinging to the idea desperately, we forget to surrender this desire to the universe and therefore we block the blessing or the energy flow that can make it a reality. say what?! in african muse layman's terms, i interpreted that as saying that whenever we've identified what it is that we want, we really have to be open to all possibilities as to how to make it into a reality. however, first and foremost in my mind, the want has to be realistic. it needs to be something that is actually within our grasp, not exactly at that moment, but attainable at a later time nonetheless.

to apply this specifically to my situation with this job search of mine, here's I break it down. i've been doing the same thing over and over again for the past 3 months to get a job. which is to say, i go online and research all the different opportunities that are available to me. my close friends all know that i'm looking, but hardly know anyone in my field to provide as a networking opportunity.

i know the power of networking to access the hidden job market, but yet i'm at my most uncomfortable at most formal networking events. i made a contact with a random person a couple of months ago in my field when i was getting ready to write my professional exams in may and as it turns out, we only met once and she had told me that an opportunity might be opeining up at her company. she called me yesterday to see if i was still available. i start tomorrow for a 2 week trial period which might get extended if an employee there goes on medical leave.

would this constitute as the law of attraction at work? or is this just a coincidence, a random happenstance? why would this happen the same week that i had abandoned all my conventional methods for looking for a job? just when i had resigned myself to other possibilities by going back to the employment agencies, something that i had sworn i would never ever do again. i just say that it was time for this happen. no physics, psychology or new age jargon needed.

i've accepted that sometimes we just don't know why things happen to us. good things happen to bad people all the time and it really sucks. do i think i'm a good person, hell yes! do i think i'm entitled to happiness? of course. do i expect to coast and cruise through life always getting what i want when i want it, c'mon now, that's just silly.

Anthony Hamilton

2008-06-07T11:19:00.004-05:00

thought it was time to resurrect the "Brothers I Admire" posts from last year. i love this man's music.

i bought his first major label album, "coming from where i'm from" and loved it. had the fortune of seeing him live in concert at the kool haus about 4 years ago and he didn't disappoint.

he's got soul pouring out of his veins. that voice of his just grabs you and wraps you in this raspy spell. he jumped off stage and actually serenaded me, he was like 10 inches away from me and i was so flattered and touched.

got the above pic from concreteloop.com and i just thought it was beautiful to see him with his beautiful wife. it's not often that we see successful artists choose partners that look like her. meaning chocolate skin and short natural hair. nothing against sisters of the lighter persuasion, but our history and paths have been completely divergent in the context of beauty et. al, but that's nothing new.

It's a scorcher

2008-06-06T12:43:00.002-05:00

today is the first real hot day of the summer (or are we still in spring). i don't mind the heat if it doesn't come with a side dish of humidity. i always say that it's easier to find ways to cool down than it is to keep warm during Canadian winters. at 30 degrees celsius, it's perfect patio weather or time to go by the lake for that breeze.

i feel optimistic today, spirits are somewhat raised. i've got a plan b in the works for this stalled career path conundrum that i'm in. it's not the path i wanted to choose, but it's gonna have to pay the bills in the next 2 months when that unemployment cheque stops rolling in. i'm going to temp for a bit while i keep my eye out for opportunities in my field. j

also, i'm kickstarting my conscientious nutrition intake. yes you heard right. i don't believe in diets so when i start being mindful of what i'm putting in my mouth (insert dirty joke here) i say i'm being conscientious about my nutrition. i've been a baaaaad vegetarian these past 4 months. i have given up seafood on and off for the past 5 years but started eating it again this year. not particularly because i crave it, but because it was usually within reach when i was too lazy to cook my own meal. in any case, i'm going back to my original real vegetarian lifestyle, which does not include fish or seafood of any kind (don't let them rastas tell you different).

since my reasons for going veg are 70% ecological (as well economical et. al) and 30% ethical, i can't ignore the repercussions of over fishing for the sole purpose of overfeeding those in so called developed nations. the salmon that we're used to is actually extinct. fish farmers artificially raise current salmon in man-made ponds and feed it dyed food to give it that pink colour we know so well. ain't that food for thought? but i digress. gotta go and find my first breezy summer dress of the season!

The innocence of children

2008-06-05T13:57:00.005-05:00

my sister just sent me an email detailing how my 4 year old nephew gets his prayers on:

Dont let mommy or daddy die
I wish tomorrow when I ask daddy for more toys, he'll get them for me.
Thank you for candy, juice, backyardigans and I pray for people in New York!!!
Let me speak up in school if somebody is "annoying" me
and if they dont listen, I should tell the teacher.

Amen!!

pure jokes, but that's my boy though

p.s. batman, that's what's up. he's the baddesssst superhero ever. no supernatural powers here, just a good ol' flawed and problematic character. just like i like 'em. can't wait to go see dark knight when it opens.

The Witch of Portobello

2008-06-04T11:55:00.009-05:00

started reading this book by paulo coelho on monday and i'm already halfway done. i love how he writes. i've only read one other book by him; The Alchemist, no surprise there, but it was a deeply influential book for me. he's got this deceivingly simple style that really packs a punch. in my current state of mind, i'm holding on to some of the following gems that i've already highlighted:

"Don't confuse the teacher with the lesson, the ritual with ecstasy, the transmiter of the symbol with the symbol itself."

"Pity those who seek for shepherds, instead of longing for freedom!"

"And the best way to know who we are is often to find out how others see us."

"Do you know what the world ecstasy means? It comes from the Greek and means 'to stand outside yourself.' Spending the whole day outside your body is asking too much of body and soul."

i picked up the book because the back cover had this question, "How do we find the courage to be true to ourselves - even if we are unsure of who we are?"

Coelho himself summarizes the book as being an exploration of the feminine side of divinity. that is to say, the feminine side of God. interesting, no? i'll try to actually write up a proper review and reaction when i'm done. i'm off to lick my wounds.

Life sucks today

2008-06-04T11:22:00.003-05:00

so i didn't get the job that i thought was practically mine. should learn my lesson to not get comfortable with situations that are totally beyond my control.

a definite blow to the ego, but i've got no choice to get up and get on the grind again. it just really really really sucks to always be starting over again.

this reminds me to my dark days, my 26th year when i was finally determined to go to teacher's college. a general prerequesite for applying is a demonstration that you have taught and interacted with students within the demographic you are hoping to teach. i spent a whole summer trying to find a high school that would take me on as a volunteer teacher's aid or substitute, to no fucking avail. i was so dumbfounded. we always hear of teachers being bogged down with work and way too many kids to a class that i couldn't fathom why any school would turn down volunteers.

i had originally planned to take my masters in english right after completing my undergard, but decided not to enrol at my alma mater even though i had gotten in. i was devastated that i didn't get in the other 2 schools that i really wanted to get into. i had always dreamed of being an english/african history prof at a university and all of a sudden, that dream was no longer viable. it was right around that time that i played with the idea of applying to teacher's college. u know, a downgrade of sorts. but somehow i never got around to it and i worked for about 3 years or so before seriously trying to get in and i was faced with so may obstacles from the get go. that was 2 years ago.

fast forward to today and i'm feeling like my new career path will confound me with the same obstacles. but i'm trying real hard not to let it phase me. when i think about all the freaking student debt i have and the kind of deadend bullshit jobs that i'm supposed to be happy taking, i just want to scream. when i walk in all those boardrooms for interviews and see no one that looks like me, i gotta tell myself time and time again that these people are evolved. they will judge me on merit and nothing else.

i gotta think that way because the alternative is just devastating to me. the idea that someone won't give me a chance to prove myself and take my skills and experience seriously just because i'm a black woman with locks crosses my mind more often than i'd like, but i work hard to squash those feelings and just keep on my grind the best way i know how.

SATC pics

2008-06-03T10:42:00.014-05:00

bff (i can't believe i just used that) just sent these over...it was a great night.

also, i'd like to answer anonymous' comments regarding my post on SATC the other day.

im not a big fan of satc. aside from teh arguments you raised, i think the show gives an idea about womanhood that can mislead impressionable minds. if i was a 14 y/o girl (and im not) and i saw this show, i think id believe that somehow this was a viable lifestyle option for me.

from what I remember, this show was on HBO and it used to come on at like 10 or 11 pm. it usually had that parental/viewer advisory warning before it started. impressionable minds are watching all kinds of mature content on tv even when they're intended for adults. SATC is intended for adults. we had the sopranos, we have desperate housewives and grey’s anatomy on primetime and they are all easily accessible to teens even though they aren't meant for them.

even shows meant for teenage viewing are way more sexual and misleading than the ones I used to watch as a kid. ever see an episode of the OC or MTV the hills or my super sweet 16? kids are dreaming of being fashionable rich kids with nothing to do except chase fame these days. we now live in a world where kids don't consider oral sex an actual sexual act. go figure.

i saw a clip of that new show Gossip girl, and it’s way more vicious and sexualized than the 90210 or the original Degrassi High that I used to watch. my point here being that kids have their own tvs in their own room and have access to the internet and can pretty much download anything they want to watch. SATC just happens to be one of those many shows that if you’re young and impressionable, can have a negative impact if no one has taught you that it’s only a tv show and should not be imitated in real life. just like all the shows that are supposedly teen friendly.

but, at the end of the day, its not.

how many depictions on tv are truly viable, though? even reality tv isn’t viable. we’re just left with the 6 o’clock news. i don’t think the show situatuated itself as being a true slice of life for women over 30. it was melodramatic when it debuted, but eventually became a viable vehicle for discussing issues (not just sex) that women in that demographic were actually discussing. like fertility or buying real estate alone.

you mentioned how the characters where explored. lemme ask you this, were any of them better off from the first episode to the movie?

yes actually. they all grew as characters. i don’t know if i can actually answer this question without spoiling the movie, but I’m going to assume that my readership on this blog is next to nothing. so I’m going to break the reviewer’s code here.

Carrie – started off as a regular single girl looking for love in all the wrong places in ny. she was looking for “the one” and eventually she found him, and of course lost him a few times before tying the knot. she realized that she had been so self-absorbed and obsessed with getting her own life just right that she was treating the love of her love as an accessory. she didn’t have the clichéd happy ending, but she got what she needed.

Miranda – the career-driven and independent woman who could never trust a man as far as she could throw one had to decide between a career and a family life. having a worklife balance is a real issue facing many working women (and evolved men for that matter). this is someone who would have chosen her career in a heartbeat in the earlier episodes, but she eventually gets married and has a kid so when she is confronted with infidelity, the choice is not so clear. how does the eternal cynic navigate the nuances of forgiveness? she bites the bullet and decides to work through it and chooses to have both.

Samantha – still sex crazed, but alas, she’s in a monogamous relationship for the first time, albeit a strained one. the free spirit has to confront why she feels trapped being in the most positive relationship she’s ever had. Turns out the strain isn’t just frustration from the monogamy, but the fact that her life has been absorbed and taken over by managing her lover’s acting career.

Charlotte – little miss perfect has a problem accepting how perfect everything is going. she’s finally in a happy marriage with an adopted daughter and finally gets her pregnant against all odds. she’s come from feeling entitled to the white picket fence to actually being thankful and becoming painfully aware that she could lose it all in a heartbeat.

i have a coworker, who i think deep down inside, believes shes just like those women. she's in her mid 30s and shes still searching. on its face, theres nothing wrong with that. but if shes chasing that lifestyle (and she is) she'll be chasing it forever because it doesn't really exist.

women and singlehood have always been a hot topic and SATC just happened to highlight it. i’m sure your friend had these feelings before SATC ever became this popular. there’s nothing wrong with having a fantasy that mirrors a tv show, however as you point out, actually chasing that lifestyle is problematic.

btw, how does she demonstrate that she wants to be like the women in SATC? i’ve heard from a few men who don’t like the show that they think women who want to live the lifestyle in the show are pathetic and i’ve always wondered what they really mean by that. i suspect when women come out and support the show openly, they are penalized for wanting to adopt this fantasy lifestyle. however, most of us already love fashion and are obsessed with talking about our sexual relationships to begin with.

it is just fun to compare our regular lives with those of these women. additionally, there are times when we've actually experienced the same things as the characters. and i believe this is where things go awry. saying that out loud sends red flags to everyone else who believes the show to be an unrealistic depiction of older, single women.

yeah, you can sleep around, where great fashion, and do whatever else they do, but theres more to life than that. but the show doesnt tell you that trying to have sex in the city is empty.

this is an interesting point. as a fan, i find that there are waaay more topics on the show than just sex and fashion. yes, there was more sex in SATC than a regular cable show, but what people miss is that there was actually also a lot of discussion ABOUT sex. this was the first time that we saw a double standard so clearly. men go on dating binges and it’s ok because they can sow their wild oats and eventually find a wife. and life is normal. have a women try on a few men before deciding who she's going to marry, not so normal.

the show regularly asked, what ever happens to those women men bed in the meantime before they settle down? what are their stories? is bed-hopping ok only in your twenties or is it just for men? are all women who enjoy sex whores? what if you are an independent-minded woman and only want to have casual sex as you pursue your own career? is that ok? who decides? what are the consequences?

another point that is regularly missed is the friendship aspect. these women are supportive of each other through it all. tv and movies usually pit women against each other. either we’re competing to be the best looking or stealing each other’s men. the show had a different take on things. these were 4 different women with different careers, opinions and lifestyles.

back to the movie. there was actually little sex in the movie compared to the actual show. the 3 sex scenes in it do not include any of the leading ladies. instead, the movie focused on dealing with being jilted at the altar, adultery, gender roles in a relationship, what it means to have a happy ending and forgiveness. these are all wide statements, but I’ve already gone on long enough. my main point here was to address your criticism that SATC is only about sleeping around, fashion and living in ny, but IMO, it’s way more than that. it just so happens, those were the parts that got the most press. the movie does address the consequences of the choices made by all the women in a way that is somewhat honest and of course, entertaining. let's not forget the entertainment aspect. after all, this is just a movie :)

How long you say?

2008-06-02T09:20:00.006-05:00

My dedication...

I'm elated that I found him
He's got me buying lingerie and cooking meals
Don't know how it happened
Celebrating short milestones
So meaningful to me nonetheless
He's got me thinking
About our future
Our pitfalls
And promises

In any case, I'll try to resist the temptation to overanalyze today and just bask in the glow for the moment. Thought I'd put up the lyrics below to summarize it all. Singer-songwriters usually know how to say it best, don't ya think?
______________________

You love me especially different every time
You keep me on my feet happily excited
By your cologne, your hands, your smile, your intelligence
You woo me, you court me, you tease me, you please me
You school me, give me some things to think about
Ignite me, you invite me, you co-write me, you love me, you like me
You incite me to chorus

You're different and special
You're different and special in every way imaginable
You love me from my hair follicles to my toenails
You got me feeling like the breeze, easy and free and lovely and new
Oh when you touch me I just can't control it
When you touch me, I just can't hold it
The emotion inside of me, I can feel it

Jill Scott - He Loves Me

"I Curse The Day You Were Born!"

2008-06-01T11:26:00.006-05:00

"I curse the day you were born!"

that's Charlotte's line from the SATC movie. Even though it's a serious and heavy handed statement in itself , the line is delivered during one of the funniest moments in the movie. Charlotte is very much pregnant in the scene and so distraught at seeing the man who betrayed her best friend that when she flings the line at him, her water breaks.

went to see SATC yesterday with one of my best gf and it definitely passed the grade. i was entertained, and not disappointed at all. this was not a simple reunion movie. it was marked by melodrama and of course the fashion. the fashion did not disappoint. yes indeed, it is simply a feature length episode of the tv series, but this is exactly what the fans wanted. including myself. the movie didn't veer away from its tried and true formula of going back and forth between the storylines of the four main characters and throwing a plot twist pretty early in each one of them. i loved everyone's storyline except for charlotte. but her character has always irked me, so yea, bias.

by now, the whole world is familiar with the controversy that is the little HBO show about sex and women over 30 trying to navigate live and love in NY. i got introduced to the show in my 2nd year of university and still regularly watch the reruns on tv. at first, i really wasn't interested. i thought, here we go again about a show with an all white ensemble cast that i'd not be able to relate to. but pretty damn quickly i was hooked by the wit, sexual topics, humour and fashion on the show. these women were as candid on tv as i was with my friends at our most uninhibited and unguarded. it was refreshing. designing women this wasn't! i'm aware of all the criticism about the show. i've heard it all. from accusations of glorifying consumerism, male bashing, white-washing, unrealistic representations of women over 30, damaging preoccupation with relationship and everything else in between. and i say i don't give a fuck. it was entertaining and yes, groundbreaking. this show never claimed to be feminist as most of the writers were male even though it's based on a book by a female author. by the way, i've read the book and it is way more abrasive and cynical than the show ever was. it was simply time for a tv show to showcase a different set of women who had various obsessions and flaws that were given a platform to be explored specifically without that distraction of male leads in the story like every other freaking show on tv.

and yes, i've actually taken the "which SATC character are you" silly quizzes that circulated on the net and i think i was 70% miranda, 20% samantha and 10% carrie and 0% charlotte. which was a bit of a surprise because i've always seen myself as 50/50 miranda-samantha and treated carrie as my neurotic alter ego simply because she writes. but let's face, some of her musings were damn right fluffy and superficial. i can't preach too hard though because i've had my own mr. big drama on and off for the past 8 years. some of it was riveting and some of it just downright stupidity on my end. of course all of this went down minus the limos and forbes listings.

in any case, back to the movie. several things came to pass that i thought confirmed some of my philosophies. girlfriends are priceless. men do come and go, but real friendship is truly irreplaceable. especially now in my late twenties (wow, feels so weird to say that these days) i can truly see the value of my circle of friends. i mean, i think i stopped making friends back in university. don't get me wrong, i meet people all the time, but they sort of always fall in the acquaintance category now. you know the people you INTEND to keep in touch with, but you always find yourself struggling to reply to that email or voicemail? i have girlfriends i've known for 13 years. we've been through abortion, poverty, bankruptcy, heartbreak and depression.

i'm not going to give away the ending, but the trailers are out there and they show that carrie and miranda are betrayed by their leading men and that's the realness. love is messy as one of my best friends loves to say these days. so true. finding love and maintaining it aren't simply 2 sides of the same coin. we fuck up and hurt those we claim to love and beg for forgiveness. however when someone breaks our trust and asks for our forgiveness, the fire of betrayal usually burns so bright for so long we can't fathom letting go of the trespass. i've committed my fair share of love crimes and i'm always afraid that karma is just around the corner waiting to bite my ass and teach me a lesson. this is why i never get comfortable getting all wrapped up in my newfound love. i may be all dressed up in love now, but i definitely don't take it for granted.

still waiting...

2008-05-27T15:16:00.003-05:00

tryin to distract myself. finally washed the hair. for those that don't know, that's about a 3 hr ordeal in itself.

boyfriend just watched one of my favourite movies "before sunrise" and he didn't love it. i'm so crushed. this means that he doesn't get me at all. lol. dramatics aside, i'm forcing him to watch the sequel, "before sunset" on our 6 month anniversary love-in on sunday. he forced me to watch part 1 to lord of the rings so it's only fair that he had to endure one of my choices....

played my first 2 games of baseball on sunday and that was experience in itself. my team is really interesting. they have a team meeting before every game and at least twice during each game. a team meeting consists of smoking a familiar herb. yes. you heard right. of course i passed. the other team believes in drinking beer in between innings. in any case, i'll catch you up in a bit. i'm going to try to find a used leftie glove before our next game on sunday. it was pretty sad trying to throw with my right. i wasn't so bad at catching or batting, but i've got ways to go!

Now I wait...again

2008-05-26T18:08:00.001-05:00

today was the 2nd interview with the director. think it went well. one never knows about these things. i got an office tour, but don't know if that was just routine for all shortlisted candidates. dunno what i'ma do if this doesn't pan out. end of may will be 3 months w/o a job. so not cool.

It's all good

2008-05-23T22:16:00.002-05:00

Spent bday with boyfriend, had a few glitches, but we cool. Had a few cocktails then saw Indy - please skip it. The plot for the Crystal skull is ridiculous. Maybe that's for another post.

The fam put together an Indian style veggie dinner for me. very lovely and fab. got some chanel no. 5 for a present - i absolutely love that scent. so classic. so fresh, so clean clean.

got a 2nd interview for the first job i interviewed with on monday and i'm beyond psyched. the job is mine. i'm going to say it over and over again until it's true lol.

chillin with one of my best friends who escaped to brooklyn last year, so we gonna paint the town red tomorrow (whatever that means!) hopefully i can take some pics.

peace

A year older, but wiser??

2008-05-22T09:13:00.003-05:00

according to my mother, i'm 28 today. i think i've only seen my birthday certificate once, so i gots to take her word for it.

i used to get excited over this day, but now it's just that crappy time when u reflect and think of all the shit you thought you would've done by now, but still haven't gotten around to doing anything about it.

i promised myself that i won't be in a funk and would be kinder and gentler to myself today. yea, i'ma try that positive self-talk crap and see how it goes. people like oprah always say that their 20's were their most turbulent time because they thought they knew themselves, but it was the time that they actually made their biggest mistakes. well, i always thought that belonged to the teenage years, but i'm starting to get what she was saying.

i'm slowly starting to realizing that acceptance and belonging aren't as important. i can just be me and everyone else be damned. i ain't gotta look a certain way, read particular books, or subscribe to groupthink in any way shape or form. if i'm unsure about something, then dammit, i'm going to say so, it ain't the end of the world. i ain't got have it all or have it all together. i'm not afraid of the big 3-0, (maybe cuz i ain't there yet) but growing older appeals to me. so many grown folks i know just don't give a damn. they know who they are and that's that.

i think once if i stop attributing personal development milestones to age, everything should be all good.

____________________________

i have no specific plans today. maybe i'll drop by the hair salon and have someone else deal with these locks today cuz lord knows i ain't in the mood to spend 3 + hours on it

my birthday wish is that i get a 2nd interview with the 2 place i interviewed with this week.

i totally rocked the first interview and bombed the 2nd. for the first, i was beyond prepared. powerpoint presentation and everything. but yesterday, i don't know what possessed me. i was 15 minutes late and intimidated by the interviewer. there goes my new year's resolution to be on time. kinda reminded me of my old boss and ladies and gentlement, that ain't a great thing. i think i sabotaged the 2nd one because i'm betting on the first job. i worked on that presentation for days! and meanwhile, i couldn't even remember the job description for the second and she probably figured it out. can't bullshit a bullshiter.

Big ass interview tomorrow

2008-05-19T16:10:00.003-05:00

stopped fussing about what to wear and started focusing on the imp parts. like this 10 min shuffle and jive i've gotta do. presentation is done, got to practice it 2x in front of fam.

will do one more run in front of boyfriend. he's promised me the breakfast of champions tomorrow to boost my confidence so that i can knock 'em dead. my presentation skills are usually on point, but this is the first time i've had to do this in an official sense for an interview. granted, the whole interview process is a dance and everyone is performing, but dang, i've got powerpoint and notes at the ready. no playing around. can't afford to fuck this up. it'll be a busy week, got another interview at a bank on wednesday.

all this audtioning i'm doing got me thinking, "how come i wasn't blessed with that entrepreneurial spirit?" man, i wish i was the one cutting the cheques and deciding whether or not i want to work with certain folks.

Oops, my bad

2008-05-15T20:23:00.003-05:00

was so excited about the news yesterday, confusion ensued. i'm hoping that i might get some good news for my bday which is NEXT thursday (not today) re: interview on tues. may 2oth.

finally found the right dress today at the mall after hours of hunting. my feet are killing me. it's on that "breakfast at tiffany's" tip, but with a knee-length hem. planning to throw a blazer on top and some corporate pumps or sling-backs. i just realized all my shoes can be seen from a mile away. my shoe game is usually on point, but just realized that i've got shoes in almost every colour except black or some other muted colour. so that's the mission this weekend. find footwear.

I HAVE AN INTERVIEW ON TUESDAY!

2008-05-14T19:28:00.002-05:00

this is so huge, i've been waiting for this call for almost 2 weeks. my birthday is coming up thursday, so maybe i'll get my birthday wish. was at the mall looking for the perfect first impression suit/outfit. no luck. found a great work dress, but they didn't have my size...will go hunting again tomorrow. plus, these folks want me to make a 10 minute presentation during the interview - yikes! but i know the subject matter so i should be alright - wish me luck!

Pet peeves for the week

2008-05-12T13:31:00.002-05:00

don't you hate it when people give you the sales pitch but try to disguise it as an opportunity for YOU when it's really for THEM? case in point, i've told the whole world that i'm looking for a job and a few people have stepped up to provide me with some networking contacts to help me out.

i got a contact today from a friend of a friend who waxed poetic for five minutes about his recruiting company and goals only to find out later that he's looking for a volunteer. can u believe that?? now i don't mind volunteering to worthy causes, but right now, i'm my own worthy cause dammit. u want a volunteer? talk to me when i have a steady paycheck coming in!

_______________

i was at a fashion show on saturday, when i got there, found out that it was a fundraiser for a women's shelter in honduras which made me feel good even though i a friend paid my ticket (hey, i'm unemployed, gotta get the hook-up whenever i can, right?). now, i was already warned that this would be a far cry from what is seen on runways in paris, milan or new york. i was told the designers showcasing their wares would be up and coming talent that aren't established yet. now being the quasi-fashion junkie that i am, thought this would be a fun way to spend a saturday night. besides, can't be up boyfriends ass all the time now, can i?

now, i didn't mind too much that the show started an hour late since i'm not the most punctual person on the planet. what i did mind was the set up of this whole thing. this fashion show was taking place in a restaurant. a nice restaurant, but a restaurant nonetheless. a beautiful space to eat, but not show off clothes. 3 stories of real elegant design. you can see for yourself HERE.

my problem was the set up. the models started the show downstairs, then went up the stairs to do the last walk on the second floor. there were a lot of people crammed inside and add in the tv lights and photogs clicking pics away, i was sweating myself silly. granted, i was wearing some fishnets with knee high boots when i really should have gone lighter, but toronto weather is hella unpredictable this time of year.

i had a front row seat, hopefully the promoters can upload the photos soon and oh my gosh, i felt like the judges from project runway. now i've always said. if you are going to present something to the world, then you better do it well. why was i seeing unfinished hemlines and visible pins holding seams in place? y was it that some of the clothes just did not fit the models perfectly? i mean, i gave them kudos for assembling healthy looking models that did not look anything like the emaciated, vacant and homogenous clotheshanger variety, but i deducted some serious points on the craftsmanship on the actual clothes.

now, taste is of course subjective, but c'mon. even if i don't like a certain style or fashion statement being made, at least make sure the clothes are finished and made well. i'm just saying. they must've known about this show for months so it goes without saying that you should be prepared. the same that i expect my fave musical artist to know all their songs backwords when i've spent some money on that concert ticket.

it's not mother's day everywhere in the world...

2008-05-11T11:09:00.005-05:00

but it's mother's day here in canada and i live here, with my mom, so i'm going to celebrate it. i love my mom. i do, i really do love her. i normally get caught up in the commercial side of the celebration and run around the mall frantically trying to find the perfect gift, but i usually re-focus and concentrate on the deeper meaning of the day.

i wish i had her patience and resilience. she was a strict disciplinarian when i was a toddler until i turned 10 or 11 years old. and then this weird thing started happening, she started talking to me as if i was a thinking and feeling human being.

the scoldings became few and far in between. discreetly pinched ears in church pews became a distant memory. i was no longer expected to make it home by 4pm everyday for afternoon tea. no longer was i expected to keep my clothes at their most dazzling. scrapes and bruises from playing barefoot soccer in the yard were quietly attended to without the requisite sermons and such.

my teenage angst was met with confusion and patience. my exploration and choices in higher education were supported regardless of their ill planning. i was given wings to soar as high as i dared. the best thing my mom gave me was her humility when she sought advice from her own daughter, barely in her early twenties. now that is a selfless act. this mother's day, i honour my mother. no gift i can find or buy can really demonstrate this.

Robert Downey Jr. is black...in his next movie

2008-05-09T14:27:00.004-05:00

i REALLY don't know how i feel about THIS. it's slippery territory. i mean, i like the quirkiness that is robert downey jr. i just watched iron man the other and loved it. i can't wait to see the sequels.

even though i'm not one for the big hollywood blockbusters, u best believe that i'll make some time to watch most superhero movies since i was a comic book fan way back when. batman is the man, in case you were wondering...so yay batman, the best superhero ever. but i digress.

robert downey jr. was excellent in iron man, but this new role he's taking on in tropic thunder is hmmmm. he was the right guy to play iron man. but this blackface stuff for this upcoming comedy, gives me tremendous pause. i've only seen the trailers so i know that the movie within a movie is their escape clause if all hell breaks loose, but i'm almost 100% sure there will be a backlash ...

but then again...THIS well written commentary on actors' restrictions sums it up quite nicely, but it all still makes me uncomfortable. usually when white guys put on blackface, the result is a caricature of black folks. i guess this is why people usually do this in comedic films rather than in dramas as it's the case for tropic thunder. but i ask, would you still feel the same about the movie gandhi if english man ben kingsley wasn't in it, how about scarface if italian al pacino wasn't associated with it?

i know a case can be made that the hollywood machine is all about dollars and cents. studios will not fund a picture being fronted by some unknowns. and usually, the superstars tend to be white males and the few non-white superstars are rarely trusted with the leading man responsibility that draws crowds.

Now what?

2008-05-09T14:13:00.007-05:00

the exam - done last Saturday. and what an anti-climax that was. turns out that i was being hard on myself trying to study way too many specifics when all they wanted was some overrall foundation stuff. i was out of there in 2.5 hrs even though i was allotted 3. couldn't bother putting myself thru the agony of checking over my work, knowing myself, i'd just go back and 2nd guess every answer and end up royally fucking myself over. i actually kinda, sorta managed to get a few winks of sleep at boyfriends before sneaking off to the couch because the snoring situation has only improved by a wee teeny tiny bit. sigh.

the head cold, cough thing - over from a couple of days ago. me thinks that was a combination of weather change, poor nutrition and exercise and good ol' stress that caught this girl's immune system unawares.

the job search - back on with a vengeance. i've sent my resume over to a couple of places that i'm gunning for and i even went as far as following up to one of them with a couple of phone calls. that was a pretty ballsy move on my part b/c i NEVER do that. i'm what you would call an aggressive job seeker. i either just put my resume online or send it in and...wait. but fuck that. i'm not playing the passive thing anymore. in any case, my first phone call was akward because i actually got a hold of the director of the department when i was actually expecting voicemail. ain't that some shit. getting someone on the line real important and you start off the conversation all akward and shit but somehow hoping you come off as assertive and memorable? at the end of the day, i got my name out there and hopefully i stand out of the pile of resumes that are coming in.

The virus won - I'm sick

2008-04-30T13:05:00.002-05:00

yes, i've been fighting the onset of a head cold for about 4 days. i've had to deal with a scratchy throat for some time, but I woke up yesterday and i had the whole deal. stuffy nose, heavy eyes, body aches and just overall weakness. normally i'm a nazi when it comes to fighting diseases. i'm a bit of a germaphobe and i'm never w/o my trusty purell hand sanitizer.

i wash my hands like 100 time a day, mostly because i take public transportations and i have to be in my zen mode to touch all those poles after seeing some of the nastiness people do. seriously, if you must pick your nose, is it too much to ask to use some kleenex? and the coughing into your hands thing? what is up my friends? are we not all aware of how germs spread or what? in any case i digress.

ever since i become a vegetarian about 5 years ago, i've got a heightened awareness of my body rhythms. after a week or 2 of eating bad food, whether it be processed fast food or just quick on the go crap that you nuke in the microwave at home, i always notice an imbalance in some form or another. it could be a mild case of acne or constipation or worse lol. so i usually wise up and start eating healthy again.

i subscribe to the cult of echinacea by the way. i swear by it. if i feel a cold coming on, i make sure i squirt it into my tea in the early stages and up my vitamin C and before you know it, i'm back to my old self. i've been so distracted (got a call on monday that i didn't the job that iwas gunning for) lately that i didn't do my usual first defence routine. i've been leaving my purell behind more and more and i also think it's because i haven't been as physically active as i should be. sexercise is good and all, but me thinks it's not sufficient lol. someone just mentioned leaving my window open when i sleep isn't the best idea as its been kinda nippy in Toronto as of late. so i don't know how and when i caught the virus, the fact is i'm sick and i'm miserable. i had to get up in the middle of the night to rub some expired vapour rub all over my chest and throat in the middle of the night so that i can breathe.

there's really not much i can do except riding this whole thing out until i'm better. so until i'm up to my old tricks, it'll just be lots of liquids, rest and studying. by the way, boyfriend is out of the doghouse (temporarily) as he showed up at my house the other day with dinner, ice cream and brandy in hand after he found out about the job fiasco...

7 days...content vs. happy

2008-04-26T21:50:00.003-05:00

this is so cliche, but seriously, happiness HAS to come from within. maybe I actually mean, contentment as opposed to happiness. feeling content has a broader, deeper and more permanent feel to it as opposed to its fleeting and transient counterpart - happiness. there's a bunch of superficial things that make me happy, i'm talking about $, stilettoes, jeans that actually fit, a breezy summer dress, things, stuff. i like surrounding myself with beautiful things, but stuff gets old, deteriotes, discarded, old, forgotten and taken away.

but then there's the other intangibles that affect feeling content vs. happiness. i'm talking about feeling worthy, confident - essentially self-esteem, social status, security and a somewhat spiritual connection to a greater consciousness. and that's what really gets you because that stuff just gets more complicated with age. as soon as you think you've figured yourself out, a moment of clarity ambushes you and you see yourself at age 6, 10, 18 - bewildered by some sort of criticial incident in your life, you are fighting some strong emotions about who you are and your connection to this whole mess and then you flashforward to your current self and realize that you really haven't learned that much about yourself as you thought you did. who am i? what is my true calling? what am i passionate about? you still melt when babies smile, still crave laughter as a stress reliever, you love hugs from friends you haven't seen for awhile and still seek to belong, still yearn to be loved, appreciated and most importantly understood. but what does it all mean?

why haven't you learned by now that you are the one that you want? that you are enough? that no amount of money, titles, professional designations or declaration of love from a significant other will fulfill you? don't you know that happiness, no, better yet, contentment comes from within??

9 days till exam day

2008-04-24T13:39:00.002-05:00

I'm sort of getting into a quasi routine with this studying thing. Granted, I could be putting in more time since my ass ain't employed at the moment. But, one thing I've realized about myself is that I'm a procrastinator through and through.

My study habits haven't really changed that much since high school. I'm a B student without really trying. I can actually excel at whatever I put my mind to, but that's just it...I don't normally like to apply myself in advance. I wouldn't say that it's laziness, more like a laissez-fair attitude. What annoys me is that I'm going to kick myself for wasting so much time doing foolishness to distract myself a few days before the exam. I've been known to do my fair share of cramming, but I always pride myself in taking so-called calculated risks. I need a 70% to pass this 3 hr multiple choice exam and I figure I've got enough time to cram as much info as I can this last week. I should know most of the material already, so it's more like review and going over everything else that I forgot.

One of my distractions is dealing with boyfriend's financial situation. It just got dire and I want to jump up and save him, but I've got limited resources myself. I'm surprised that he's confided so much about his anxiety over the whole situation. Refreshin actually, because most men I've dated in the past have been beyond mum about being in a tight spot. In any case, that's material for another post. Gotta get my laundry out and then hit the books. What was I saying about distractions again...? :)

Sidestepping relationship landmines

2008-04-19T23:57:00.008-05:00

So boyfriend tells me a few days ago that his out-of-town FEMALE friend needs to sleep over his apartment tomorrow night. Yes, sleep over. As in she's gonna have to take off her clothes and lay her body down somewhere in boyfriend's apartment. Apparently she has a TV appearance first thing Monday morning and she needs a place to crash.

This is what I'm thinking:

WTF???????!

I don't like this arrangement at all.

No, I hate this arrangement.

She ain't got no female friends who can help her out?

If she's making TV appearances, shouldn't she be hooked up with a hotel or something??

Is this a joke? A retaliation tactic since I had told him that a MALE friend of mine wanted to hook up one of these days over lunch or something, just to catch up. So I told him about just to check in and see if he's cool with it or if he wanted to come along just for the fuck of it. But no, it's real. She'll be over at his place, tomorrow night, apparently sleeping on the couch while he's demurely tucked away in his bedroom. I know that she's got a live-in boyfriend back in the boonies where she lives, but I also just found out that she had a crush on boyfriend back in the college days.

Me thinks that the old crush changes EVERYTHING! At first I had a feeling that he might have once had a thing for her, but nope, it's vice versa. I played it off like I was cool about it at first, but I couldn't keep it up for long.

He says they're platonic and he doesn't find her attractive, but I sure as hell know that he wouldn't be fine with it if the situation was reversed. He confessed last night that he had teeny-weeny jealous twinges over my yet-to-be-scheduled lunch with my platonic male friend. I told him about a proposed lunch which he's welcome to join and he's telling me about a fucking sleep over??? By the way, he didn't throw me the same courtesy. Not once did he suggest that I meet his friend when she arrives or propose that I sleep over the same day that she's around.

Now, I haven't ranted all of these feelings to him, I simply asked a few questions and told him that I was uneasy about the whole situation. Telling me about it in advance doesn't assuage my green-eyed monster in the least. I have to trust him the same way he's gotta trust me. He could be screwing anyone on any given day without giving me a heads so I'm just going to have to let him do what's he's gonna do and see what happens.

Don't get me wrong, I think men and women can be friends without strings attached, but I've heard too many things about this girl. First the crush situation, but also all the relationship drama she's got with her man. She's some kinda of nutritionist and her live-in boyfriend has been putting on some serious amount of weight and she's not trying to have sex with him b/c there's no sexual attraction going on. So mix this sex-starved health nut with boyfriend who's in fine physical form and you see why I'm worried.

I think I'm all in

2008-04-17T23:54:00.004-05:00

First, I had forgotten that I had signed up to join a summer baseball league. Yes, you heard right. I'll be the odd one out at the diamond. I'll be that brown-skinned girl trying to play baseball in the unforgiving Toronto heat this summer with probably a bunch of white girls trying to work out their issues with a bat.

I used to work with this white chick from way back when and we've actually managed to stay in contact over the last 3 or 4 years recruited me last month and I had totally forgotten about. (More on my outing adventures with her later). On a whim I had said yes banking on the fact that they wouldn't start playing until later on in the summer. This morning I had an email in my inbox from her telling me about the $50 registration fee and that we go to bat next month, specifically the weekend of my birthday. Now 5 things you should be aware of.

1. Registration fee? What the fuck you mean registration fee. She never said nothing about this when she first told me about all of this. This is supposed to be recreational at a public park somewhere. But I took the girl's offer to spot me the fee and I can give her back her dough next time I see her.

2. I haven't played a full game of baseball since Grade 10 --- well, that's not true, I played a 1 day friendly work tourney (with the same white chick) about 5 years ago and I remember my butt hurting me like something awful the next day. I was so bewildered because I didn't do shit. Hit the ball a couple of time and spent most of the time in the outfield just chatting up all the other black folk. Incidentally, a fight broke out that day when some of the dudes took the game way too seriously...

3. Damn, why did I agree to do this? These games will be on SUNDAY! My day of rest, not for no religious reasons, just purely selfish reasons. I'm not playing. I hardly answer my phone on Sundays and rarely make any plans to leave my house. So yeah, I must've been deep in self-reflection and the depths of depression when I agreed to join this little league. I have no idea what to expect.

4. I'm a southpaw. I know I can get left-handed gloves, but you see, I also like to throw with my left...so if I catch a ball and need to throw it while I'm wearing the south paw glove...well you see my dilemna. Either I practice throwing with my right or I'ma do what I used to do back in high school, throw the damn glove off as soon as I caught the ball and throw it right back using the same hand and ignore everyone yelling at me asking me what the hell I'm doing!

5. I have no athletic gear whatsoever. I've had the same sports bra and running shoes since I was 18 and well...I need to upgrade! In any case, if I'm serious about this whole fitness thing...this should be easy peasy right? Right??

As promised...I took the gym tour today and the place ain't half bad. The main workout area has lots of windows on one side so I don't have to worry about that claustrophobic thing. It's pure Italians in there though as they own the facilities and it's on some non-profit tip. The tour guide was kinda cute and friendly...don't know if that was just to make the sale, but I felt comfortable there. Big ass gym, indoor track, swimming pool etc. Not too glitzy so I think I'ma sign on the dotted line next Tuesday if I don't change my mind. I'm sleeping on the contract for now just to be on the safe side....

Time to hit the gym

2008-04-16T18:26:00.005-05:00

I woke up and I didn't feel fabulous at all. And I'm not just talking about all the soft spots that used to be cute and are now dangerously close to jiggling whenever I break out in anything faster than a leisurely walk...

I'm talking about this lethargy, lack of energy and just overall laziness that has stricken me lately. It's spring and usually after a long winter like we just had, I'm back to my old self, but not this time around. I need to get physical and just get myself together by sweating out all the shit that's clouding my head and clogging my arteries and getting stored in my midsection. I've tried the whole gym thing before and it didn't wow me. I hate being indoors sweating with a bunch of other people, and the novelty of it wore off pretty damn quickly.

I hate that most gyms insist on a minimum 1 year membership, like that's going to happen, I'm a commitment phobe people. In any case, I've made an appointment to take a tour of this gym nearby. They have an option where I can pay a non-refundable fee for me to be able to pay monthly and that's alright by me! I ain't trying to lose weight, just get my strength back up and tone the fuck up. Enough with the jiggle factor!

Today's lesson

2008-04-14T09:27:00.005-05:00

So, woke up an hour later than I had planned, but woke up early nonetheless. On my way to get my new plan into gear. While checking my email and perusing the net casually, I ran across this little piece of advice...

"Clothes, no matter the quality, are not investments and should not be financed. If you can't pay cash, then make do with what you've got until you can."

Fighting inertia

2008-04-13T22:42:00.003-05:00

I've got about 2 weeks to take an exam that I'm not ready for. I'm anxious about the final word of that interview I went on last week. It's not like me to just veg out and do nothing. I've been trying to read the same 2 novels for the past 4 months! Previously unheard of! I sleepwalk through my days doing absolutely nothing but watching the idiot box, it doesn't help that our "spring" hasn't spawned favourable temperatures conducive to getting my ass outside to get fresh air and thus energizing me into action.

So, I'm vowing that I'll spring into action starting tomorrow. I need to get on a regular study routine and that might actually include going to the library, away from easy distractions like the TV, stove or refrigerator. I'm the queen of procrastination, but I can't afford not to pass this certification test, imagine the shame and embarrassment of telling everyone that I didn't pass, hell naw...mos def can't have that!

Jezebels, Whores, Porn and Sexuality

2008-04-11T13:16:00.005-05:00

I ran across this ARTICLE and it summarized a lot of the things that have already been discussed for years among my girlfriends. I love film and I've had a problematic relationship with the portrayal of Black women from the get go. Things got especially heated when Halle Berry won her Oscar for Monster's Ball when we saw that "sex" scene with Billy Bob.

According to the article, Angela Bassett, (nominated for an academy award in 1993 as Tina Turner in What's Love Got To Do With It), rejected the role of Leticia. In an interview with Newsweek, she said: "It's about character, darling. I wasn't going to be a prostitute on film. I couldn't do that because it's such a stereotype about black women and sexuality."

Even TV ads get on my nerves because they insist that there's only one type of black woman to show on TV. You know, the light-skinned curly-haired one that could pass for white in the Winter time if her hair was straightened? When I usually bring up these issues, sometimes I'm seen as being overly dramatic or too sensitive or just plainly overstating the issue, but this is reality.

In any case, I reference the above article because I find it hard to balance my own sexuality and resistance to historically demeaning stereotypes of the Black female as a willing sex object. It doesn't help that the masses have chosen to lynch the hip-hop industry as the culprit for perpetuating this stereotype when it is the record industry and other corporation that stand to gain the most from the exploitation of black female sexuality. I make the argument this argument that videos are commissioned by record labels, artists rarely have any veto power on the final product. TV stations also have the choice of playing said "offensive" videos or not and the same goes for the movie studios.

In any case, I'm fighting for my right to sexual freedom without being confined to external constraints defined by western history and culture or by men, whether black or otherwise. If i'm out on the night on the town wearing my hot outfit, I know I'll get hit on and be approached...but that's not what I'm talking. What I do have a problem with is when those approaching me assume that I'm willing to do their bidding if they assert that they have financial means. I'm not looking for that type of exchange because that type of transaction only works with prostitutes.

So don't even get me started with finding good porn that is geared towards female pleasure. Yes, I said porn. As you can imagine, some people find it hypocritical of me that I have a problem with the type of Black female sexualy in mainstream media, but can consume pornographic material at the same time. My answer is just that, what I see in PG-13 movies and on regular TV should not have any semblance to porn. There's a reason why you have to be an adult to participate in and purchase porn. I'm not a lesbian, so I won't get my rocks off that way, but I keep hearing that there is feminist inspired heterosexual porn out there, but I can't seem to get my hands on any. Boyfriend and I have talked about this and we've agreed to both bring our favourite XXX rated flicks and compare which one is better. In any case, I know there's a whole lot to say about porn, but that's another totally different post...

It's all a waiting game until next week

2008-04-09T13:47:00.007-05:00

I applied for a job 2 weeks ago just for the hell of it because it looked like it was waaaaaaaay out of my league. I didn't think I was even qualified for it, but lo and behold, I got a call on Monday to come for an interview today! I was flabbergasted, I didn't tell anyone except boyfriend, fearing that I would jinx it somehow. I'm mot that superstitious, but sometimes I just hate being so hyped about something that doesn't end up working out after all, and then having to tell everyone about it.

It pays really really WELL, almost double my last salary, so you understand where I'm coming from!

Yes, yes, yes, money isn't everything, but it sure is a great start if you ask me.

The pay is way out of my league and it's for the city dealing with the education industry. I played with the idea of becoming a teacher once upon a time, but it was never meant to be, but I always wanted to be affiliated with the ministry in some way or another and here I am today interviewing for a position with them.

Needless to say, I was shocked, excited and a lot nervous. I spent the last 2 days agonizing over what to wear. Since I'm already in job search mode, I've been trying to find the perfect power suit, to no avail. Buying a suit is super frustrating! And you need lots of time. Besides my "curves" always present a unique problem.
You know, breasts and asses are always being gawked at and forced on us through ads every freaking second, but they don't make professional clothes that flatter some of us that have the same attributes in....ABUNDANCE.

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH.

In any case, I don't know who I was fooling, thinking I could find the perfect suit in a day.

I got a last minute outfit at the mall yesterday and I thought I looked good. Let's just say looking good did not calm my nerves in the least! Having 3 older white ladies fire questions at you for 45 minutes is daunting I must say. I'm really gunning for this job, but I have to wait until next week to see if I got it. I hate the waiting game.

Even if I don't get the job, I'll take one of my best friend's advice and go for all the other jobs that I would normally pass on. Self-selecting myself out is no longer an option. If I proclaim it, it shall be true. I've been doing myself a disservice by only concentrating on a specific corner of the job market, all this time, I could have been putting myself out there. So kids, that's the lesson for today. Take risks and carpe diem.

So I've got a little "loud" problem

2008-04-05T21:27:00.002-05:00

Boyfriend snores, and I mean, he really snores and it makes sleeping over his house not fun when it's time to turn in. I mean seriously, I didn't think it was a big deal in the beginning, but I can't go to sleep when I have this deep, guttural, sounds that could easily come from a sleeping elephant beaming directly in my ears! Let's put it this way. He can be sleeping in his room with the door closed and I can blast the tv and still hear him snoring on strong while washing dishes in the kitchen! Granted we don't live together, but I do sleep over quite often, and let's just say the romance of a peaceful sleep in each other's arms is totally non-existent.

We've tried a few things already...

going to bed before he does, but honestly, it takes me so long to fall asleep that no lead that he gives me is sufficient enough for me to be in la la land by the time he hits the sack. Just a few seconds ago, we decided to have a movie night in and he fell asleep on the couch 5 minutes into the movie. He's napping in the bedroom as I blog this...

he's tried wearing those "breathe right" nose strips, piece of garbage. They don't do shit. He's even doubled up and absolutely no change, i'm this close to writing to the company to accuse them of false advertising.

i've tried embarrassing him by taping him as he snores (he never believed when I said that he was hella loud). he was shocked to hear himself, but the shame he heard with his own ears wasn't enough to get him to stop.

as a last resort, i've left the bed in the middle of the night to voluntarily sleep on the couch just to get away from it all. The first time he found me like that, he felt so bad, he promised that he would go to his doctor to find what what was causing the snoring and see if there are any options to stop it...

Any suggestions? Please, for my sanity, HELP!

Still no web cam and preparing to be pimped

2008-04-04T12:06:00.004-05:00

I know I should've bought a MAC, i hear they have built in cams. Woulda made this whole vlogging transition much smoother. I haven't been up to too too much lately. I've got a professional exam on May 3rd and I really should be studying a lot harder than I've been since my unemployed ass has all the free time in the world now. I just have been fighting this INERTIA that is trying to take hold of me.

Normally I would think that I'm depressed or some shit, but I don't think so. Maybe I am. They say that one of the signs of depression is lack of interest in things in hobbies and pasttimes. I don't really have any hobbies, no knitting or video games or anything, but I've noticed that I took longer and longer to get out of bed and i'm so restless most nights that I watch TV like a zombie. I had to be careful not to make the new boyfriend into my project. I found mysely always inviting myself to his house and cooking and cleaning just to pass the time. I've since cut that out and let him miss me here and there.

When it comes to my jobsearch, i've also become a robot. I go to the same websites and cruise the boards every other day or so and change a few words in my cover letter so as to "customize" it for each employer 'cuz lord knows I hate drafting letters! In any case, I have an appointment with a recruiter on Monday. This is not the best case scenario for me. I've worked for employment agencies before and they straight pimp you out. I remember once getting a receptionist job in my early 20's through an agency and finding out how much the agency was getting paid for my work as i was filing some paper work. The client i was working for was paying the agency like $20/hr while I was getting like $11/hr. Since I've had no responses the last month from all the jobs I applied for, I figured it's time to give the agencies another try. I picked this particular brothel because they specialize in my industry, so I won't have to deal with agents trying to get me to do stupid, brain-numbing jobs that won't utilize my skills or my education. Or so I hope.

Of course this means trying to find the perfect outfit to impress folks. I've had the same brown suit for the past 4 years and i think i'm due for a makeover. What was i thinking picking brown anyway. In any case, I'll keep you posted.

I'm thinking of starting a vlog

2008-03-15T19:41:00.002-05:00

I've been inconsistent with my blogging for the past little while because there's been a whole lot of bullshit going on offline. I got fired from my job 2 weeks ago and that's like a whole month of blogging in itself, but I've had the worst kind of writer's block...so bad that I can't even keep up a carefree blog! It's pretty sad.

The upside, the silver lining to this funk that I've found myself in is that at least my love life is not equally shitty. I've been getting more than my fair share of TLC from the significant other, my plus one and that has sort of been balancing me out for a minute. So I started thinking that I need to get over this writer's block somehow and a friend of mine suggested that I started a video blog in the interim and I find the idea really appealing. I bought a webcam like ages ago and the quality was really bad, so I'm in the market for a better camera and starting to look around for a place where I can start this new way to blog. So, if anyone has any suggestions for which sites offer the easiest way to vlog, let me know, because I'm not the best IT savvy gal around.

Why Obama? Let Derrick tell you!

2008-03-15T19:36:00.003-05:00

My dad passed on this youtube clip and it's an instant classic. You see, an anti-Obama reporter tries to get an interview from a young black man that he ASSUMES is ignorant. He assumes that he is only supporting Obama because he is a BLACK man and has no idea of what the issues really are. Let's just say that he got schooled!

Later on, Derrick, made this response to clarify his position and background. A fellow African Immigrant in North America...

A first time for everything

2008-03-05T18:20:00.003-05:00

What to do when you get fired

1. Do not get up and slap your boss across the face as soon as you realize the reason for the impromptu meeting
2. Remain composed at all times even though you have to sit through some bullshit cover-up story about "fit" and "performance expectations."
3. Maintain eye contact at all times and make your boss as uncomfortable as possible by raising your eyebrow periodically whenever the words "sorry" and "unfortunate" are uttered.
4. Fight the urge to cry by any means necessary.
5. Do not succumb to the pressure of packing up your personal belongings in a hurry.
6. Do read your final release documents and make sure your severance pay matches what was promised in your original employment contract.
7. Take the time to say goodbye by email to all the co-workers that did not make your life hell.
8. Secure a reference from an ally especially if you've been at the job for quite some time.
9. Take a few days to hide out and process the news.
10. Get right back up and start looking for a new job being careful this time to have your bullshit detector on high alert from the job ad to the first interview.

Here you go....

2008-02-21T20:50:00.009-05:00

I have no patience for my computer right now...it's taking me awhile to upload my photos, so only managed to get a few up before I gave up. As promised, here are some shots from my trip to Montreal last week. I've been there twice before, but the first time was at night when someone convinced me to drive 2 hours from Ottawa to a University hang out there. NOT a great idea. We left at like 9pm at night and when we got there, the guy was lost and didn't know where the party was. By the time we made it to the damn party, I didn't feel like partying and the place was just so wack. It was basically just like any other undergrad party spot...things I did when I was a young'un! The second time I went was with my best friend. Her boyfriend was playing rugby in a nearby town and he dumped us there because we didn't want to endure watching him play. We went around Old Montreal for a bit and it was beautiful because we went in the spring, but we didn't have too much time to really take in the sights.

My most recent trip was planned a month in advance. I was there for 3.5 days, but I didn't see the city the way I wanted to because it was FREEZING ASS COLD! I've lived in Ottawa, so I know what cold is, but Montreal is just brutal. I had ice pellets slapping my face on the street. The whole time I was there it either snowed or we had slushy rain which promptly froze and made the sidewalks a disaster area for pedestrians. Needless to say, I hate winter and seriously put a cramp in my style. I managed to support the significant other in his venture while I was there and tried to squeeze in some shopping because this city has some serious merchandise. The shops are just fabulous!

In any case, most of the pics I took were of the Cathedral or Basilica right by my hotel. I'm not a religious by any means, but I'm always drawn to the architecture of some of these buildings. This one in particular was interesting because of all the Saints and religious figures lining the top as you'll see in the pictures below

Right beside the hotel...the figures on top of the basilica definitely caught my eye. Of course it started snowing just when I wanted to snap some photos...

Still snowing...

Tryin to get a good shot...

Chilling in the swanky hotel lobby. A friend hooked me up with a serious discount because this is not a place I can normally afford...

Just came back from Montreal...

2008-02-18T13:50:00.004-05:00

...mad tired, but will try to round up some pics and a few lines about my trip there...stay tuned.

Anyone catch the Grammies?

2008-02-12T19:54:00.001-05:00

As a frugal fashionista who'd rather window shop than actually spend any real money, award shows are always a feast for the eyes. That's right, I'm that girl that watches the pre-award shows just to see what the celebrities are wearing. Very shallow and superficial, but that's what's up. Normally I do this for the Oscars and all the other award shows, but I actually attempt to watch the scheduled programming when it comes to the Grammies. I give props to any artists that can give it to me live.

A great musician doesn't necessarily have to sound like their studio recording, but they gotta be on point. I have very particular music taste that rarely wavers, but once in a while, a random artist can totally win me over if I approve of their live show. It takes artistry and creativity to engage a crowd. Whether it's technical skills with an instrument or raw vocal dexterity, an artist has to convince me that they deserve my hard-earned $15 for the CD or their concert ticket price.

Now since music hasn't been nothing to write home about in the last 5 years, I've totally stopped watching the grammies. I didn't even know who was nominated this year or who was scheduled to perform until Sunday, when the show was going on the air. I think my disillusion started when Alicia Keys won 5 grammies when she first came out. I never thought she deserved all of them. I've got nothing against Alicia, but I do think that she is over-hyped, superficially marketed and in need of some serious lyrical maturity. I look at her as a potential great musician in the making. Some of her saccharine lyrics just come off as juvenile and undercooked. In any case, I'm trying to figure out if anyone caught the show and what they thought of the outcome. Overrall, it was non-eventful except for a few comment-worthy happenings like Beyonce performing with Tina, Amy Winehouse trying to sound coherent via satellite (and giving a shout-out to her incarcerated husband) and Herbie Hancock winning the best album of the year. Admittedly, I only watched about 30% of the show, but here's the breakdown of a selective list...also let me know if you don't care about American music period - I haven't bothered to buy any of the music listed below either, but I still keep up:

Album of the Year: "River: The Joni Letters," Herbie Hancock.

Record of the Year: "Rehab," Amy Winehouse.

Song of the Year: "Rehab," Amy Winehouse (Amy Winehouse).

New Artist: Amy Winehouse.

Pop Vocal Album: "Back to Black," Amy Winehouse.

Female Pop Vocal Performance: "Rehab," Amy Winehouse.

Male Pop Vocal Performance: "What Goes Around...Comes Around," Justin Timberlake.

Pop Performance by a Duo or Group With Vocals: "Makes Me Wonder," Maroon 5.

Rap Album: "Graduation," Kanye West.

Rap Solo Performance: "Stronger," Kanye West.

Rap Performance by a Duo or Group: "Southside," Common, featuring Kanye West.

Rap/Sung Collaboration: "Umbrella," Rihanna Featuring Jay-Z.

Rap Song: "Good Life," Aldrin Davis, Mike Dean, Faheem Najm & Kanye West, songwriters (J. Ingram & Q. Jones, songwriters) (Kanye West Featuring T-Pain).

&B Album: "Funk This," Chaka Khan.

R&B Song: "No One," Dirty Harry, Kerry Brothers & Alicia Keys, songwriters (Alicia Keys).

Contemporary R&B Album: "Because of You," Ne-Yo.

Female R&B Vocal Performance: "No One," Alicia Keys.

Male R&B Vocal Performance: "Future Baby Mama," Prince.

R&B Performance by a Duo or Group With Vocals: "Disrespectful," Chaka Khan, featuring Mary J. Blige.

Traditional R&B Vocal Performance: "In My Songs," Gerald Levert.

Urban/Alternative Performance: "Daydreamin'," Lupe Fiasco, featuring Jill Scott.

I'M BACK!

2008-02-09T11:18:00.001-05:00

I know that these disappearing acts are getting more frequent, but let's see if I can let it all out, just like that cheesy Kleenex commercial that's been playing lately. So what have I been up to? Mostly work, work and more work. How sad people.

The paycheck - never enough, and the tax man sure knows to give me a serious beating every two weeks!

The OT - i'm pulling more overtime than the paparazzi hunting pop tart Britney Spears. Good thing I get to expense all my late night cab rides home

Office politics - are getting really silly. Either those in power are always complaining about how busy they are but they are steady dumping work on their minions so that they can do the real heaby "brain" work for the department. OR, the minions are always complaining about all the crap that gets dumped on their desks and would love to get promoted with more responsibility and clout like those in power and the vicious cycle continues.

The heavy social aspect - even I don't go to these many social events with my own friends. I'm constantly at a lunch or dinner or breakfast or basketball game or something that requires me to mingle and make small talk and act all interested...in reality the different business groups don't really mix and mingle that well. the lawyers stick with their kind and the support business services people also stick with their own kind.

TERMS OF ENDEARMENT

2008-01-06T01:06:00.000-05:00

NAME CALLING

What do you call your significant other past the age of 21? In my case, "boyfriend" has always left a sour taste in my mouth. Not a big fan. I find it reductive and immature. "Partner" treads on some Gay and Lesbian territory (not that there's anything wrong with that) and so far, I've adopted to just "man." So if I'm referring to someone that I'm with, it's usually, "yea, that's my man." I'm just wondering what the blogosphere feels about that. What do you usually call your significant other when among friends, family or co-workers.

PET NAMES
Personally, I think "Baby" is cliched and lacks originality. "Honey" rarely fits and "Sugar" is reaaaaaalllly laying it on thick. My dad calls me "babes" sometimes so I get a weird and icky feeling when I refer to a man I'm dating in the same manner. Maybe I'm the least romantic person I know, but I tend to just call people by the actual names. Sometimes I use their last names or nicknames just to stir things up, but rarely go through the trouble of finding a pet name. I think a pet name should come by naturally after a good amount of time spent together. I would hate to think that the man I'm seeing is using the same pet name that he had for his ex-girlfriend, hence my suspicion of anyone using any of the pet names used above. What do you all think???

RESOLUTIONS AND REALITY

2008-01-05T10:51:00.000-05:00

First, I had a fabulous New Year's Eve. I've dreaded the past 5 NYE celebrations because they always seem to be tainted with this false sense of re-birth and optimism that always felt flat to me. There's always a big rush to be with someone at exactly midnight so that you can kiss them and somehow inject all your hopes and aspirations in that kiss. Then the craziness of finding the right event to attend. Will it be the club, or banquet hall or hotel or what? What about the vibe, the location, the price of admission, the dress, the shoes, your basic recipe for craziness in a bottle.

I stopped going out with my girls a long time ago, mainly because I was usually the 3rd or 4th wheel that had to endure sincere, but trite wishes about finally finding a good man from friends. Last year, I tried taking my younger cousin currently in university who was new to Canada to a deeply discounted party downtown and I paid for it dearly. The party was supposed to be at a swanky location in a skyscraper high above the city. When we got there, the place was packed, disorganized and a complete zoo. I was squished and had to fight like hell to get to the elevator. After the ordeal of actually getting to the party just in time for the countdown, grabbing a couple of drinks, cops came by to shut down the event for being over-capacity. The year before that, I had a much better time at a friend's houseparty and I think that's my preferred method of celebrating the new year. I know that because I've also shunned the craziness a few times in the past and actually just stayed home and tried to treat the day like any other day and fielding calls and text messages from friends....

So back to this year. For the first time in a long time, I actually wanted to partake in the whole craziness, by choice. This of course was fuelled by the fact that I'm now totally enamoured by my new situation. Which is to say, there was someone I wanted to be with for NYE and I didn't care if the night eventually turned into something crazy and unexpected. So, to that end, I went around to find the perfect NYE event. Searched for the dress and the shoes and calculated the price of admission and logistics for the night, without a moment of stress. Amazingly, crazy did not rear its ugly head. Dinner was nothing to write home about. The vibe was nice, but the company was engaging and thrilling. The company, now that's the thing. It's the company that you keep that makes all the difference. It really doesn't matter where you are when that clock strikes 12:00, it really doesn't. In any case, I'm confident about the resolutions I've made for this year even though I'm not one for following this doomed new year's tradition. I only made 2.

1. I will be on time. This is a big problem for me, a bad habit I picked up in my teens.

2. I will get my financial house in order. This means living within my means and actually delaying gratification for crap that I don't need. This means stopping using my over-draft option on my chequing account and actually building up savings and replenishing my RRSP account...tall order, but it's gotta be done!

Anxiety & Apprehension

2008-01-05T10:43:00.000-05:00

ANXIETY

The new job is going well, but I just can't seem to get myself organized. Granted, it's officially my first week and I really should give myself more time to get oriented and familiar with everything. Supporting 2 directors is definitely intimidating. Especially when one of them is the Managing Partner of the firm. They both have 2 different working styles and I better get familiar with both and STILL keep on top of my other administrative duties.

APPREHENSION

If my performance is not up to par, I don't want to have to deal with the consequences. I'm too lazy and too tired to be thinking of looking for something else. I know, this all sounds very pessimistic, but the thought has crossed my mind that I just might not be up to snuff for this new gig. I'm working hard to curb this train of thought, very hard.

New Beginnings

2007-12-27T23:07:00.001-05:00

I'm just enjoying my vacation before I start my new job at a law firm on Bay Street (our equivalent of Wall Street). I resigned earlier than anticipated at my internship post when I got a job offer last week. I already got some training this past week, but it was grossly inadequate. You know when you're thrown in a training room with a bunch of other new hires who are desperately trying to look competent when they are just as lost as you are? Throw in an overly perky trainer, who means well, but ends up grating on your last nerve whenever she tries to liven things up by forcing you to share your personal stories as a way to break up the day? Yeah, that was me last week.

Most of the training necessary since it focused on the firm's systems and applications, but most of it was on stuff that I already knew. The trainer shared way too much personal information and encouraged a fellow new hire to show us way too much by pulling up clips of her appearances on some questional reality TV show...I'm talking letting strangers take body shots on her belly and shaking her booty in a rap video...I'm not making this stuff up. In any case, I didn't complain too loudly since I was getting paid to sit around and chit chat most of the time.

I know I'm going to have a hard time getting a handle on everything, but I'm just looking at this as a learning curve. I'm more excited than apprehensive. It's a great opportunity for me even though I thought they could have afforded to pay me way more than what I was offered (but hey, who thinks that they actually get paid too much, right?). It hit me later on that trying negotiating a higher salary with law firm was kinda funny. These people are pros. I had a bunch of jargon thrown right back in my face.

I love New York!

2007-12-27T22:31:00.001-05:00

I'm in the big apple and I had the best tour guide that I could ever ask for! Not only did I get colourful and running commentary from a true New Yorker, I was treated to brunch in a bona fide diner, which are few and far in between back in Toronto. I found out about "man holes," the reason why traffic cops are so nasty, the difference between a tourist pizza and a New York pizza as well as the logic behind the street names which has always puzzled me.

Good thing my boots were made for walking because I got to see the fashion district, walk past Broadway, Times Square, Madison Square Garden and Rockefeller Centre all in a couple of hours and there's so so much more left to see. New York is a feast for the eyes. The city is virtually bathed in perpetual lights and motion. You gotta try really hard to feel lethargic in the middle of the city. Everyone is on the move, I swear I did not see a single person strolling on the street. Between dodging cars and bikes and tourists, this girl had to stay on her toes. There is so much more to see and I hope my tour guide will extend the same courtesy the next time that I step out because I could definitely get in a New York state of mind very easily. Besides, the abundant shopping choices serious enough to tempt a girl to throw her new year's resolution to get financially smart and secure out of the window!

I'm just enjoying being around my sister and her kids whom I haven't seen in almost three years. I've always said that motherhood is not for me, but there's something about watching my 5 year old niece solve a puzzle or navigate a somewhat complex video game or my 3 year old nephew learning to count and read that turns me into a big marshmallow.

Muse's musings - Part One

2007-12-25T10:59:00.000-05:00

Been awhile, but so much has happened offline since the last post. The following list was inspired by Mirror's post awhile back.

1. I’m the last born child. And yes, I fit the psychological profile associated with my lot.
2. I have daddy issues
3. I don’t know how to swim, but have gone whitewater rafting
4. I’m afraid of deep water
5. I conquered my fear of heights
6. I was ambidextrous for the first 8 years of my life, but now I’m a certified south paw
7. Love mom’s banana bread, but hate actual bananas
8. Can’t stand orange juice
9. Coffee and cigarette breath makes me gag
10. I was the other woman on and off for the past 8 years
11. I know every line to the movies Before Sunrise and Before Sunset
12. I think my feet are my best feature
13. I would buy a miracle cellulite cure if one existed
14. For better or worse, I believe in retail therapy
15. I hate “girly drinks,” give me a shot of liquor straight up or on ice any day
16. Religious folk irk the hell out of me 9 times out of 10
17. I can’t quiet my mind, wish I was better at meditation
18. I’m usually late
19. I don’t want to have children
20. I require a lot of me and down time
21. I’m obsessed with finding perspective, that often times, I don’t have any
22. I can’t drive, ride a bike or skate
23. It took a week to lose my virginity
24. Came close to taking it all off to pay my bills
25. I’ve never revealed the exact number of partners I’ve had for fear of judgment
26. I’ve shopped at thrift stores for necessity and not for vintage fashion
27. I have 2 tattoos and 1 piercing
28. I feel invisible 75% of the time
29. I’ve never been hospitalized
30. I had a cervical cancer scare that lasted 3 months 4 years ago

My 38

2007-11-27T13:19:00.000-05:00

Got tagged by Mirror, so here you go...
___________________________________________________

1. Name one person who made you laugh last night. Several people actually, my niece, then the cast of “How I Met Your Mother” and “The Big Bang” honestly, I was laughing out loud, doesn’t happen very often

2. What were you doing at 0800? Frantically trying to finalize my online purchase of 2 tickets to New York for the holidays when I should have been leaving for work.

3. What were you doing 30 minutes ago? Having soup at my desk.

4. What happened to you in 2006? I was depressed, got a job, got laid off, went to Cuba and then got accepted into my program – in that order

5. What was the last thing you said out loud? “Yes, I do make my own soup when I can.”

6. How many beverages did you have today? 1 mug of blueberry flavoured tea and 1 glass of water

7. What color is your hairbrush? My hair is locked, my hands are my hair brush

8. What was the last thing you paid for? 2 tickets to NY for $686

9. Where were you last night? Home, watching the idiot box

10. What color is your front door? I think it’s some pale green, not a very nice colour, but I didn’t choose it.

11. Where do you keep your change? In the change compartment of my once fabulous wallet, but now not so fabulous

12. What’s the weather like today? Sunny and windy and cold – Canadian winters are very predictable…

13. What’s the best ice-cream flavor? Grapenut, Raspeberry Cheesecake or anything with nuts

14. What excites you? Information that I can turn into knowledge, bow legs, clean & strong hands

15. Do you want to cut your hair? Hell No!

16. Are you over the age of 25? Yes, why are you asking though?

17. Do you talk a lot? Yes, if I like you, shows that I’m very, very comfortable

18. Do you watch the O.C.? Ummm, do you know who you talking to? No.

19. Do you know anyone named Steven? Yes, we met online, but it didn’t work out, great guy, just not for me.

20. Do you make up your own words? No, I steal made-up words and somehow they get attributed to me, I don’t correct my fans

21. Are you a jealous person? In a passive way and only for fleeting moments before I catch myself

22. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘A’. Andre, we’re no longer friends and he still owes me $, does my dad count…?

23. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘K’. One of my BFF’s KETTY, I love her to pieces!!!

24. Who’s the first person on your received call list? Private #, it’s the place I’ve volunteered at before…

25. What does the last text message you received say? I’m working hard right now but I hope you’re having a good day. Will touch base later this week.

26. Do you chew on your straw? Umm what?

27. Do you have curly hair? Yes, very tight curls

28. Where’s the next place you’re going to? Probably the kitchen

29. Who’s the rudest person in your life? Can’t think of anyone right now, I don’t let anyone talk down to me

30. What was the last thing you ate? I mixed 2 soups, cream of mushroom and summer asparagus with basil – yea, it was good

31. Will you get married in the future? I don’t believe in marriage in the Western traditional sense, so no, I don’t plan on it

32. What’s the best movie you’ve seen in the past 2 weeks? American Gangster and Beowulf were both disappointing so..none, teaches me for relying on Hollywood for entertainment

33. Is there anyone you like right now? YES, THERE IS!

34. When was the last time you did the dishes? Last night

35. Are you currently depressed? No, bored though

36. Did you cry today? Nope

37. Why did you answer and post this? See # 35 and mirror is my girl

38. Tag 5 people who would do this survey….hmmm, don’t have that many blogger buddies, but will change that soon

It's been a long time

2007-11-20T14:46:00.000-05:00

and I've got a ton of material to share!
It'll take some time to get caught up on everyone's blogs before I unload it all.

Where did the time go...?

2007-10-28T15:17:00.000-05:00

Damn, I can't believe it's the end of the month already. There's a bunch of stuff I have to get done before the year is over. Like start lining up interviews for a job next year, get money together for my vacation in Jamaica in December, get my self-esteem back, find my integrity and juice up my willpower and energize my mind and fuel my body right and treat my family righteously...it's a tall order, but I'm on it.

I'm in the middle of planning a baby shower for one of my best friends and she has been such a pain! All she had to do was send over the addresses and set up her gift registry, but she kept asking me a bunch of questions about the location I picked and if I needed any money to help put this thing together. I can't remember the last time anyone threw a party for me. I think it was my 10th birthday party. And here's this woman all up in my grill giving me the third degree about her shower.

Mind you, no one asked me to do this, I did it because she's my best friend (all the way from high school). But she kept sending her husband to ask how things were going. I love my friends, but sometimes, they be making it real hard! She took like 3 weeks to do the 2 things I asked her to do to make this shower her worth while and I was constantly being told to be understanding because after all, she's pregnant, meanwhile this same woman is telling me that people have stopped taking her serious at work because she IS pregnant and all she wants is to be treated the same. ARRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH. I've always said that I didn't want to have any children and she's really giving me ammunition right now. You can't reason with a pregnant lady! I know that sounds borderline misogynistic but she put me through the wringer for a minute.

In any case, the shower is set for next week, and she's done what she was asked. Invitations have been sent and all is well in the pregnancy universe.

I hope one day this won't be news

2007-10-27T10:29:00.000-05:00

Liberia - check
Mozambique - check
Haiti - check
Ireland - check
New Zealand - check
Finland - check
The Philippines - check
Germany - check
Chile - check
Switzerland - check
India - check
Canada - check
Argentina - check
Iceland - check
Guyana - check
Sri Lanka - check
Israel - check

And the list goes on. The above countries and nations have had women in power as their leader in one capacity or another. Some were appointed, some elected. I'm saying this because Americans like to have the debate how historical it would be to have either Barack or Hillary as their president. Granted that with America's history with slavery, Barack as president would be a hugely momentous occasion, but the talk about a woman in the white house sometimes borders on ignorance. It's as if women have not made any strides anywhere else in the world until they make history in the USA. Some nations have elected female leaders as far back as 1960!

Back to Liberia's Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf. I was blown away by how she has managed to steer her country in a completely and hopeful direction in just 1 year. The woman was stepping in as leader of one of the most corrupt and turbulent governments. Liberia has many issues that are familiar to most African nations. Crushing debt, little or defective economic infrastructure and wide-spread poverty among other things. The one thing that stood out for me in the documentary was when Johnson-Sirleaf agreed to meet with disgruntled law enforcement workers who were picketing outside her residence.

The woman came out and met with them face-to-face despite warnings from her security staff. She invited them their leaders to a meeting and they sorted out their grievances and reached an agreement in one day. Not only did she call them out on their past behaviour of looting and pillaging cities, towns and villages when the previous dictotor was in power, she managed to calm them down AND reduce the amount of back pay they were asking.

Another part of the documentary showed her in a show-down with one of the country's many foreign manufacturing investors. Workers for these mostly oil and diamond countries are notorious for housing their workers in deplorable conditions, paying meagre wages and not providing benefits of any kind while they reap gigantic profits. She threatened shutting down one company if it did not shape up and I wanted to get up and start clapping. Most African leaders are receiving kickbacks for looking the other way when foreign countries come through and rape their countries of all their precious resources. I just hope that she doesn't get tempted to get her own share in the future and turn her back on the people or stark intimidating and killing off her opponents like so many leaders before her.

The Iron Ladies Liberia

2007-10-15T21:21:00.000-05:00

Do you know who this is?
Our federally owned TV channel here has been running a series for the past month called "Why Democracy." I'll give a full report on it in the next blog.

I HATE MONDAYS

2007-10-15T18:41:00.000-05:00

7:00am – cell phone alarm goes off. It’s an up tempo and somewhat “inspirational” song, chosen specifically to get me out of bed. It doesn’t work. I’m still annoyed as hell when the damn thing goes off. Of course I pressed snooze. Twice.

7:20am – back up alarm is the TV. Turned that off too. With the lightning quickness that only a night owl that hates mornings can muster after years of practice. I bury myself under the covers.

7:30am – cell phone alarm goes off. Again and I know if I snooze again, my ass will be late for work. Dragged myself into the shower.

7:45am – hot shower was nice, but did NOT wake me up at all. Put on my boring ass work outfit that I picked out last night because I knew I wouldn’t feel cute or inspired enough to pull a fabulous outfit together especially when I have to hustle and catch the 8am bus and be at work for 8:30ish.

7:55am – rummaging through the fridge to find the lunch I packed last night for this very same reason. Stuffed everything in my bad, but just as I’m about to lock my door it hits me. Forgot my mandatory breakfast bagel. Carbs are essential to me. Went back inside, grabbed a whole bag of bagels, some butter and cheese. Do’t judge me, there are no restaurants or cafes anywhere near my workplace. Closest thing is a super Wal-Mart and I already got some emergency food from them last week for times like these, but I wasn’t sure what was left in the fridge and if it was still edible.

8:00am – waiting for my unpredictable bus, it’s 5 minutes late, but of course, what else is new. Thanking the stars that at least it didn’t come early.

8:45am – arrived at work. Still sleepy. Tried to get into the groove but sooooo lethargic. My period came yesterday and I’m just beyond drained. Checked my personal email to get myself into work mode. Don’t ask, it’s a ritual, besides, doesn’t everyone do this? Well, whatever. Toasted my bagel, had my morning tea. Got to work. Sort of.

12:30pm – lunch time, decided to hop into the washroom while warming my lunch in the microwave.

12:32pm – panic. Oh oh. The toilet is not flushing right. Ummm, what to do?

12:33pm – maybe I should just wait it out, right? Maybe the water will stop rising. Why won’t it stop rising?

12:34pm – let’s try flushing again. Nope. Didn’t work. Extremely bad idea. Toilet is plugged, and it’s overflowing. This is bad. Really bad. Water everywhere. The nice pretty rug is getting soaked. My shoes are getting soaked. No mop in site. Not enough paper towels to absorb this mess. Panic. I grab the toilet brush holder to scoop water out to dump water in the sink. Desperation. Germaphobe tendencies aside and I’m in emergency response mode. Water seeping into the kitchen area. Tried using the plunger, so not working. Got more paper towels from the cabinet, but this was not happening.

12:40pm – the it hits me. I need help. force myself to tell my boss about the “situation” in the bathroom. Can the floor please just swallow me up now? My boss bolts out of her chair after a minute of silence. I guess she needed time to process and to make sure that I wasn’t kidding. She gets the admin asst to go next door to get a mop. Now everyone is in the kitchen adjacent to the washroom and looking at all the water everywhere as I try to mop as fast as I can. I do not make eye contact.

Thankfully, there was nothing floating or anything, just a little bit of toilet paper and clear water. Whew. One of my co-workers comes in and used the plunger twice and got the toilet to work again. She says to me that the toilet had plugged a couple of months back. I don’t know if she’s telling the truth or just trying to make me feel better or what. An email is sent out announcing that a plumber will be coming in.

2:00pm – plumber comes in and is talking to admin assistant who comes to get me because there are “questions she can’t answer.” How long will this day last? I recount my story about how the toilet wouldn’t flush properly and how the water kept rising and so on and so forth and he assures me that it’s a main drain problem.

Something about a blockage and how pipes are the most used around lunch time. With us being on the first floor getting the short end of the stick versus those that are on higher floors and all I’m thinking is can you just do your job, and let me go? I don’t want a lesson in gravity and plumbing. Besides, this guy is stinking of liquor and he’s got all faucets in the building running on full blast to “test our drainage” and the sound of constant running water makes me want to pee…again.

4:45pm – Time to go home, finally. Talk about the most embarrassing day at work. And I know all of them thought I plugged the toilet because of doing a #2, and I feel like sending out a memo explaining that this was probably all due to my excessive use of toilet paper!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhh. Ok, I’m alright now.

Umi says - Mos Def

2007-10-10T20:56:00.000-05:00

You aren't anybody until you flash your business card...?

2007-10-10T19:50:00.000-05:00

Here's the deal. I need to make up some business cards. I don't want to be cheap and get those deep discounts online because I have a feeling I'll regret it.

I've been scouring the net for some decent deals and agonizing over what to name my new venture and trying to come up with a logo that's not totally cheesy. Yea, not easy. Especially when most of your free time is spent at work and you gotta keep looking over your shoulder and keep that "important-looking" spreadsheet handy on your desktop as a boss panic button like they do on those job search sites.

I don't want to go to Staples because their prices are just ridiculous and I don't like what they've got to offer. I'm thinking of just buying some good old card stock paper my damn self and printing some no frills designs at home. Or go to them neighbourhood print shops and see what they got to offer. I really don't know why I'm obsessing over this b/c ppl just use them once if they have to then they file your info somewhere and then your precious little cards becoms obsolete. But alas, I know all too well about first impressions and nothing says tacky or cheap like badly printed or crooked business on some lightweight paper...oh yea, I so judge cards when I get them...especially if i know that they weren't company issued. lol. Besides, I don't want to fade quietly into file #13, also known as the trash can. I think I'm interesting and I want an equally interesting card to match. Look at some of these here. I know I can't afford them, but they sure inspire me.

Dodging garbage trucks

2007-10-10T19:46:00.000-05:00

"Many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage,
full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their
garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it. And if you let them,
they'll dump it on you.

When someone wants to dump on you, don't take it personally. You just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. You'll be happy you did."

- David J. Pollay.

His website says that he's a a syndicated columnist, a television host, and an internationally sought after speaker and seminar leader. All I know is that I got the above quote in an email forward and let's say that it came right on time!

The Cdn Dollar is Kickin' Ass

2007-10-02T19:23:00.000-05:00

For the first time since 1976, the Canadian dollar was worth more than the US dollar. As of yesterday, the Canadian dollar was worth 100.52 American cents and this is after it fell from 100.88 from earlier in the day. Go Canada! Woo hoo.

Don't get me wrong, I rarely read the business section of the paper even though I know that I should keep up, but this has been a top story this side of the border for awhile. Since our economy has a symbiotic relationship with the US, we import a whole lot of US goods which results in the annoying double sticker system on all goods sold. That means, when I'm in a clothing store or bookstore that is American, I have to make sure I look at the posted Canadian price, which is always higher and not get deceived by the lower American price.

But now that the Cdn $ is worth more, petitions are springing up everywhere and demanding that all merchants scrap the "Canadian" price off their goods and services and let us pay the real and much lower "American" price and I'm all for it!

I can't drive

2007-09-30T09:29:00.000-05:00

Ok, so this has been an embarrassing part of my life, well, maybe more inexplicable than embarrassing. I still don't have a driving licence. While most teenagers celebrate their 16th birthday by getting their driving licence picture taken, I didn't get my learner's permit until I was 21! Now, in my defence, my family was never well-to-do and we had never owned a car since we moved to this country. Can't blame a girl for not being motivated when there's no car in the driveway promising all sorts of highway possibilities. To top it off, none of my friends drove and public transit was just a fixture in our lives.

Anyway, took the knowledge test to get my learner's permit at 21 and then started going to driving school a couple of years later in hopes of saving a few dollars off my insurance when I did buy my future car. Those early morning weekend classes were so excrutiatingly long and boring that I finished my assigned 10 car lessons in no time just to escape going through more torture. $250 later, I still hadn't finished those classes and I never went for my road test. I just stopped going. Mind you, I was given 8 whole months to finish this cours. Yea, I threw my money away just like that. Fast forward to last year and I got a letter in the mail telling me that my learner's permit had expired and I had to start over again. In Canada, we have a graduated licencing system which starts with a learner's permit called a G1, then you take a road test to get a G2 and finally you take a highway road test to get your G. All these stages cost $ by the way.

I've endured years of people asking me how come I don't drive. It got so annoying that I started telling people that I had gone green in every sense of the word. I was saving the planet by not putting one more car on the road. Truth be told, I hate the bus. I hate waiting for it, smelling the various funky body odours and being in such close quarters with strangers who would rather be anywhere else in the world. I mean, yes there was the money factor in the beginning and lack of access to a family car. But I easily could have bought more lessons from my driving instructor and used his car to practice and eventually taken my road test. Then there is the whole fear of actually driving on the road together with these big rigs and trucks, but I think I can really get over that with practice.

So the whole point of this post is that even though there' stil no family car, I'm taking next friday afternoon off to go get my learner's permit once more and do my road test when my 12 month probation is up. I've actually lost a few job opportunities because I didn't have a car. Now that I'm 3 years to 30, I've started compiling a list of all the things that I want to do before it's too late and driving is already on the list.

My guy has promised to give me driving lessons in the meantime. Hopefully we're still together when all this is said and done. I've seen how men react to women's driving so wish me luck.

Catching the entrepreneurial spirit

2007-09-30T09:11:00.000-05:00

I've been tapped to be part of a project starting in Jan. 08 as a consultant and I'm very excited. However, Friday was my deadline to submit my fee schedule and for the life of me I didn't know what to tell them. I'm very new to the profession and they didn't exactly give me enough time to research the industry to see what the market rates were. I hate talking about $ especially when I'm the one doing the talking. I eventually do want to have my own established consulting firm on the side and I don't know how I'm going to negotiate compensation. I'm one of those people that have never asked for a raise or haggled to get a higher wage before signing an employment contract. I've usually been too afraid to hold out for a higher paying job...sad but true, I know.

I know I have to get over this distaste for monetaray negotiation. I consider it bad manners to discuss earnings in a social settings, but this is a business transaction! These people are asking me what my services are worth, anyone else would be jumping at the chance to wax poetic about why they should be making x amount of dollars for x amount of days worked and all, but nope, not me. I wish I had more time to ask around what other consultants charge because I think the figure I gave them is too low come to think of it. My conservative figure comes from the fact that I think my knowledge of the field supercedes my actual experience for this type of employment arrangement. And if it is too low, how the hell will I bring it up again to re-negotiate a higher price? That would just be bad manners wouldn't it? In any case, it's done and I guess I'll have to learn through trial and error. Will keep you posted.

As I Waited for Atonement

2007-09-26T17:56:00.000-05:00

An apology arrived for me at work today
A bouquet of contrition
Pink roses, yellow daisies
It was really beautiful
My eyes smiled,
but my heart winced at the note
I'm sorry
I prefer "just because"
But I thanked him anyway

My Future Drinking Problem

2007-09-24T21:22:00.000-05:00

So here's the deal. I'm having some vodka as I write this, but I'm not quite yet at that happy place where everything seems so insignificant and stress-free, yet. Truth be told, I get some liquor in my system in a social setting almost as much as I do in a solo scenario. Yes, I said it. I don't really care what that makes me look like.

I know that it's frowned upon to get your smoke or drink on by your damn self, but guess what? My momma ain't really the drinking type, something about Jesus and church although she don't mind a glass of sparkling champagne here and there and my brother is hardly ever home for him to qualify as a drinking buddy. Which leaves me and this really chilled out glass of absolut vodka alone together in perfect harmony. I was too lazy to make a martini, so I just opted for some ice and some good old McCain fruit juice. Damn, that sounds so homely, don't it. Really homemade.

Anyway, this post does have a point though, besides airing out my drinking habits. I had an intellectually frustrating weekend. Ever since I finished school I realized that I'm in a creative vacuum. I stopped submitting my online articles and haven't attempted to put together a single chapter to my collection of scribbles that will someday materialize and masquerade as a novel. Haven't visited a single art gallery or read any of those books that were recommended to me a month ago for this very same reason. Basically, I realized that I've stopped nourishing my being. I've been so caught up in this new complicated relationship that he has become my new project. I've been so fascinated by how I've been acting because he manages to affect me so directly I neglected to feed my spiritual or existential self. That shit stops right now. I cannot be this lovestarved or be so thirsty for attention that I cease to be me. I won't be slotted in anyone's social calendar at their whim. Hell no.

So what if two of my best friends moved away and are no longer just a 10 minute walk away? So what if my one remaining local friend is so wrapped up in her job and somewhat new man that I have to book time with her a week in advance. That ain't gonna stop me. I'm going to start dating the city by my damn self like I used to. It ain't no thing for me to go shopping alone. I'd rather have company, but if I really want to, I can have dinner by my damn self, check out that artist at that venue or gallery or wherever if I feel so inclined. Yes I'm horny and it sucks that he's got this Christian thing going, but dammit, my porn will have to do for now. I'ma go and buy them books I've been meaning to read as well as them vintage wines I've had my eyes on for a minute and fuck what anybody thinks. I can be alone, but it don't mean that I have to be lonely. In any case, I can always count on Remy or Absolut or Grand Marnier to pass the time and put things in shot glass clarity lol. Damn, I think this is my first "drink n' blog." Sure feels better than a "drink n' dial."

A Quickie

2007-09-17T19:43:00.000-05:00

The new job is going well so far considering that I landed the biggest office in the place by accident. You see the place is real small with a staff of only 5 people. They used to have a director, but she quit last month and guess who's got her office??? Moi! When my boss showed me where I was going to be working, I thought she was trying to pull a fast one on me, but nope. I get to sit at the biggest desk, with the best view on the block. The only downside is that I still don't have my system access info up to now, or a proper computer. They got me working on the tiniest laptop I've ever seen and I think I'ma be blind by Friday!!!! Don't you just hating for your IT stuff to be in place????

Due to a "space constrainment issue" I get to be in the vacated big ass office until the end of December. I'm talking generous four walls and a door, although I don't have the balls to actually use it yet during my lunch. I've been sentenced to working in "cube-farms" all my adult life that I felt like jumping up and down and just making a fool of myself. I mean, it feels liberating to break free of the "cubicle-onia" lifestyle for a hot minute, even if it only for a second. The gang is pretty quiet, hardly any radios turned on and all conversations are held not much above a polite level. They are mostly prim and proper, a stark contrast to my boldly colourful wardrobe choices. Gotta use that 2nd or 3rd paycheque to buy some muted gear. LOL. It's goin' to get some getting used to. Yours truly gets to go to her first industry dinner on Wednesday night to a posh country club with the boss for a little seminar and nosh. I gotta polish up my small talk and schmooze it up.

As for the personal life...I'm getting along with boyfriend slowly day by day. He unleashed a lot of personal and family history on me last night that kinda took me aback. Sorta explains his past behaviour. We'll see how I handle this new phase of ours. I'll get more into that when I have a bit more time. Until next time, I'll be visiting your respective blogs and saying what's up!!!!!

Oh Canada!

2007-09-11T09:25:00.000-05:00

I got the internship by the way and start tomorrow. Feels good to have broken into the profession. I'm so glad that my recruitment and selection process did not have to come to THIS!.

This "Ghetto Dude Email" story was all over the TV when it first broke and considering the profession I'm gettin into, was the hot topic in most of my classes. Most of my friends were in agreement that even though it was unfortunate that the applicant had to go through this, the media exposure to the obstacles and ignorant biases faced by black people or anyone else who doesn't look, speak or think like the rest of the organization they are trying to join.

You remember last week I was wondering what my mentor/recruiter was up to when she picked me to be her candidate for the open position. This is the world we live in now. I am always paranoid about everyone's motives when it comes to the public sphere. I am constantly reminded that I'm black first, then a person, then a woman through incidents like the "ghetto dude email."

Another point concerns the popular use of the word, "ghetto" these days. I don't like it, and I don't like it. In fact, I hate it. In light of my last post, I think we've gone into some muddy waters with that one. My trusty dictionary.com defines ghetto as:

1. a section of a city, esp. a thickly populated slum area, inhabited predominantly by members of an ethnic or other minority group, often as a result of social or economic restrictions, pressures, or hardships.

2. (formerly, in most European countries) a section of a city in which all Jews were required to live.

3. a section predominantly inhabited by Jews.

4. any mode of living, working, etc., that results from stereotyping or biased treatment: job ghettos for women; ghettos for the elderly.

We all know that everyone thinks of ghetto as in the first definition. Anything to do with black folk, and black folk have for the most part agreed and continue to use the term in this fashion.

However, I bristle when I hear non-black people say things like "ghetto-booty" or referring to some of their own peers' negative behaviour as "acting ghetto." Superficially, everyone seems to have been given licence to use the term indiscriminately, that is until a well-educated young man with stellar references and extraordinary accomplishments wants to apply for a job as a media analyst for the government, then his brown-skin, dreadlocks, address and Jamaican accent just reduce him to "that ghetto dude," not an excellent or viable job candidate.

Cultural Etiquette 101

2007-09-10T12:29:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine sent me this article a while ago and it's been sitting in my inbox unread until now. I'm glad that I finally did.
It's always bothered me when I heard non-white people being referred to as people of colour since I came over here to North America. What exactly does that mean? White people are all various shades of pink, how come they weren't included in that term? Then there was the issue of being a "visible minority." Were white people then supposed to be an invisible majority? I struggled with all of these issues at about 12 years old and over time, academia and the world at large has helped to make these terms the norm. I'm constantly encouraged to check off the "visible minority" and "woman" boxes that increase my chances of landing a job.

The article does an excellent job of articulating a few things:

1. We should be careful on how we use language. Words like exotic, ethnic and minority feed the ethnocentrism machine that is alive and well in North America. To be ethnocentric is to have "a tendency to view alien groups or cultures in terms of one's own" and "the belief in the inherent superiority of one's own group and culture, accompanied by a feeling of contempt for other groups and cultures." Of course this leads to racism.

I love her example; How about instead of "the pot calling the kettle black," you say, "the pus calling the maggot white"? Think of and use positive dark and black imagery. Dark can be rich and deep and cool and sweet.

Furthermore, she goes on to say that, It is ethnocentric and racist to apply words like backward, primitive, uncivilized, savage, barbaric, or undeveloped to people whose technology does not include plumbing, microwaves, and micro-chips.

2. White people are a minority in the world's population.

3. Non-white people who aren't in power cannot be racist, they can only be racially prejudiced (this is a point that is well, contested, but it makes sense when you think of racism in terms of power dynamics).

4. When it comes to language, all "accents" and "dialects" are legitimate, proper, and should be equal in value.

5. An alien visiting earth would pick an Asian woman as the representative of the majority of the people on earth

6. Be responsible cultural tourists. White people are attracted to other cultures, but they should remember that we are not quaint. We are not exotic. We are not cool. Our music, art, and spiritualities are but small, isolated parts of integrated and meaningful ancient traditions. If you are white and you find yourself drawn to Native American spirituality, Middle Eastern religion, African drumming, Asian philosophies, or Latin rhythms, make an effort to maintain some kind of balance. Don't just learn the fun and exciting things about us and then go home to your safe, isolated, white, privileged life. Learn about the history of the people whose culture you're dabbling in. Learn how our history relates to your own, how your privilege connects and contributes to our oppression and exploitation. And most importantly, make it a fair exchange--give something back.

nuff said!

Astrology

2007-09-09T16:29:00.000-05:00

I think horoscopes are bullshit and should only be read for entertainment purposes only. One of my favourite "astrologers" is Rob Brezsny who has a syndicated column called FREE WILL ASTROLOGY in one of my favourite alternative weekly newspapers. His take on horoscopes are usually hilarious, mixed with a touch of interesting trivia and cool facts which are imbedded in wry and sarcastic pieces of advice. Of course, his musings can be applied to just about anyone, but sometimes, it's eerie how close to home his off-handed observations really are. For example, my horoscope for this week is as follows:

There's an old Motown song, You Really Got A Hold On Me, that has these lyrics: "I don't like you, but I love you... I don't want you, but I need you." Is there anyone or anything fitting that description in your life, Gemini? If so, this is a good time to take inventory of your relationship and change it if you don't like what you see. A question you might want to ask yourself: Is there a noble purpose in enduring the painful discrepancy? Or are you addicted, feeding a bad habit because of an old wound that you wrongly think you can heal through this torment?

I read that a little while ago while thinking that my new (on again, off again) guy may translate to being more stress as opposed to more joy and happiness in my life because of his penchant for delayed call backs, unanswered text messages and overall lack of agreeableness. All this frustrates the closeted hopeless romantic in me who loves impulsive romantic gestures, getaways, PDAs and lots of sex! I get really cranky when I haven't had any in awhile and this man just won't stand still long enough for me to jump his bones. I really think this is part of his grand sinister plan, to reduce me to a quivering heap of unsated nerves. I hate playing the game, but it looks like I just might have to play it cool and indifferent and let him chase me for a bit. I think I caught one of those traditional ones that are turned on by the chase and all that jazz...the ones that want you only when you haven't called them in a week or are more attracted to you when you're not always available, always out, busy, doing something else.

It's getting complicated b/c i think i may be falling for the guy. I really can't tell you why. Maybe it's the way he knows how to shut me up with one of those soul-stirring deep kisses that infuse my whole being with equal parts desire and hope. Or the way he can hold my waist firmly and surely, pulling me in close while looking me dead center in my eyes and telling me everything without saying a word. I could try, but the truth of the matter is that I can tell you more about the red flags (like working 6 days/week and not trying to schedule me in on your off day, I mean, I love a hardworking brother, but c'mon, you said that you wanted ME, that you WANTED to be my man dammit!!!)than why we belong together, so sad...

In any case, check out free will astrology and see if your horoscope is in any way entertaining or frustrating! Enjoy.

Waiting Game

2007-09-08T15:54:00.000-05:00

My interview on Thursday went well in my opinion. I arrived early and she was prepared for me. Filled out some bull shit forms asking me the same info that's on my resume and such, so had to bite my tongue and go through the motions. I know the game by now. Bureaucracies always want everything in triplicates these days. What ever happened to saving trees and going paperless I ask???

The office is mad tiny and super quiet. As expected, the few heads I managed to see hard at work all looked caucasian to me. I got the usual interview questions, but it was really laidback since the woman already knows me. The projects she wants me to complete seem easy enough to do. She said the magic words to me, "self-directed work." Music to my ears. I hate being micro-managed and she claims that she's really hands-off and if I get hired, we'll see if she was telling the truth. My fate should be known by next week's end.

She warned me that she'll be calling my references and I had the unpleasant task of calling supervisors and team leads I haven't spoken to in ages to give them a heads up. Since I hate going through the small talk, I opted to call everyone very late at night when I knew that they wouldn't pick up...I hate to admit it, but I don't ask for favours very well. I tend to just say hi and state my case and from experience, I know that my style doesn't always go very well...hence the midnight phone calls.

More Jill Scott on VH1's Soul Stage

2007-09-05T12:31:00.000-05:00

New Jill Scott Video - My Love (Rough Edit)

2007-09-05T12:19:00.001-05:00

As usual, my girl never disappoints. Here's her latest. What can I say about the subject matter? Definitely been there, felt that. This woman has a knack to sing the soundtrack to my life.

Interview Tomorrow

2007-09-05T11:53:00.000-05:00

So I have an interview tomorrow that was set up by my mentor last week. I had joined a professional association while I was in school so that I could network as well as write the national exams that lead to obtaining a professional designation in my field, a CHRP. The mentorship program was poorly executed and I never got to meet up with my mentor all through the school year.

However, the woman surprised me last week by calling me after my last exam a couple of weeks ago and asking me if I could go and interview for an internship with her company. I wasn't about to say no since I have nothing lined up and I've been totally slacking off with the job search thing. This woman, bless her heart, seems to have taken a genuine interest in me it seems.

Ever since I picked her as an information interview subject for one of my courses, it seems that she's been interested in what I've been doing even though we never actually had any official mentor-mentee meetings. She even chided me for not having a business card on me when I met her at a school meet & greet event with professionals in the field. In any case, my mentor is very much a proper white lady. You know, one of those women that exude country club upgringing? Complete with pearls and a neat little cardigan and comfortable shoes? You know what I'm talking about.

To top it off, she works for one of the most "white bread" retail stores that I've ever seen. You know that one store store with all the floor space connoting high price tags. All the sales staff are white and 99% of the customers are also white? Their advertising campaign feature mostly white models etc? That's the retail chain that I'll be interviewing for tomorrow. I give her props for taking an interest in a brown-skinned, dreadlocked black woman. I can't wait to see what the racial demographics of their Canadian HQ looks like....will keep you posted.

I'm in the mood for...Mind Sex by Dead Prez

2007-08-30T23:08:00.000-05:00

Enjoy.

Juggling too many balls...

2007-08-28T18:02:00.001-05:00

I'm so damn tired! 2 more days until I'm unemployed and I'm seriously looking forward to sleeping in. For me to stop obsessing and dwelling on my current romantic conundrum, I've decided to accept as many dates as possible from other admirers. I know, not the most sound solution, but dammit, I need to feel desired right about now when my self-esteem is on a downward slope.

I'm being courted and wooed by a couple of gentlemen at the moment and it seemed like a great idea at the time to give it a try. You know me, will take advantage of the smallest excuse to get dressed up for a night on the town on different days of the week. But damn, it's TIRING!!!!! Yes, I said it. You can revoke my cool points. It's starting to dwell on me just how improbable them Sex and the City girls did it while pursuing their careers. I can't keep up. Since Sundays are usually reserved for my own solo down time, trying to keep this mingling to Fridays and Saturdays is just not always feasible. That means I'm going out during my weekdays after work. When I get to work in the morning, I can't stop yawning. And it ain't like I'm staying out too late. Well, maybe midnight is pushing it, but why the hell do I feel so damn tired.

Speaking of which, a fine ass fitness trainer contacted me through my online dating profile a couple of days ago. He wants to meet and I'd love to, but all I can think about is getting a few winks of some precious shut-eye though. I know I'm trifling. I know I should just exorcise myself of all the negative male energy that I have absorbed that's causing me to act up and act out and just take a breather to be by myself for a minute, to reflect. But I just can't seem to find my brakes. I'm rambling, I'm gonna go take a nap before bachelor #1 swings by to say hi....it's a tough job, but somebody's gonna do it, right?

Old Song and Dance

2007-08-26T22:53:00.000-05:00

We love as though we know not
better. A trick, biology, it claims
more worthy selves and gentler aims
and still this doom is ours. We sought
late wanderings and soft light, dim,
and then the first embrace, the touch
as if those hands were all the world -- for such
their beauty seemed; he carried gods with him.
And these loves, so celebrated, sung
so painted, danced, idolatrized, these scenes
are but the tantrum of our genes,
which we their slaves embellish -- strung
like puppets, till they break their strings
and all thats left are our imaginings.

Kezia Speirs

So I agreed to see him today against my better judgment. He didn’t look as good as the last time. Maybe it was because I put so much effort in my outfit and his had no chance under the sun to shine. I came out sashaying with all the nonchalance I could muster. I was all legs and glossy lips dripping with unspoken promises. I had planned to present a feast for the eyes for him. I wanted him to see what he was missing. I planned it so that my body language was writing cheques he couldn’t cash. I just didn’t want to hear that he missed me, I wanted to see it and believe it. It worked. He was dazzled and impressed. His words, not mine. I didn’t feel as powerful as I thought I would, what a shame. My satisfaction was as short as my hemline. It was all too easy, way too easy. Flaunting it does have its drawbacks I realize.

His hands wandered to my thigh during the movie and I didn’t stop him. He pretended as if his rough palms caressing the soft spot beside my knee cap was the most natural thing in the world and I pretended as if all my nerves did not suddenly stand on attention and purr. Every time he whispered his comments in my ear, he brought his lips so close that my little hairs stood on end, or did I just imagine it? He was attentive and playful. I remembered that he had charmed his way into my head before and tried to focus on the movie but there was the matter of his hand on my thigh. I decided to ignore it until the end. After the movie and back in the car, I ranted. It all came out. I was angry. He is selfish. I refuse to get blind sighted again. I represent nothing but unchartered territory, endless possibilities. What is so scary about that?

I have acquiesced to give it another try. I’m not proud, but it is what it is. He affects me. I haven’t felt this invested in a long time. I want to see what can become of this. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I know the stakes are high. He can decide that his desire for freedom is greater. But then again, so can I.

Self-Inflicted Fashion Wounds

2007-08-25T14:33:00.000-05:00

I'm not unique in my love for shoes. There are lots of women out there that have an obsession with owning more than a couple of pairs of shoes. I'm no different. I need to have options in the morning before I head out. Most outfits I put together are so different from day-to-day that the shoes and accesories I wear have to reflect that. I own, one pair of sneakers that are currently collecting dust and losing their memory of what a gym looks like, let alone how it feels to be worn by the owner.

I have a couple of flats that get major play just because I take public transit it's more practical and way more comfortable. However, nothing compares to my heels. I realize that I can still look good and sexy and attractive wearing regular old flats if the outfit is right and my swerve is on point. But, nothing can give me the same swagger that heels can. I have a large collection that gets regularly showcased. As a black woman, I've got my mean catwalk down, you can say that it's in my jeans (and genes) to just know how to throw my hips. My attitude instantly changes when I'm in my heels. Of course there's the instant gratification of being four or five inches taller. The strut gets more fierce, I get loose-hipped.

I imagine muscle definition in my calves, throw my shoulders back and make sure the girls up front are locked and loaded and properly showcased. I instantly get a few double-takes, cars slow down or honk and other women give me that all knowing look. The one that can go two ways. It can either say, damn girl, go on and do you damn thing, but don't wreck yourself. Or it can say, where you think you goin' all dressed up like that? just settle down and stop making a fuss. But that doesn't phase me. I keep wearing them and have been known to show up overdressed to movies, the grocery store and countless other places. Yes, I'm aware that prolonged use can result in hammer toes, bunions, back problems and blah blah blah blah. I consider myself a veteran on how to wear heels. I don't think it's archaic at all. It falls under the same categories as choosing to wear braces, wear make-up, shaving, getting massive pecs or biceps and the like. It's a beauty ritual that is not absolutely but yields the most obvious results. Today, I share with you how to become a high-heel shoe diva that can take over the world.

1. Absolutely no heels on grass. This is the golden rule. No stilettoes in the park ladies. No matter how cute you think you look.

2. Thou shall break in your heels at home. Know your height requirements. It takes some practice to conquer them inches. Start small and walk around your apartment. With more confidence, try making it to the corner store. But practice, practice, practice. I cringe everytime I see a woman teetering around at the mall or gripping her man's hand as she tries to be a soldier in them heels.

3. Wear your size! Go to your local athletic shoe store and have them measure your feet. Resist the urge to buy those beautiful gems on sale that are a size too small or too big because it's a bargain. You'll just end with corns and blisters. You look stupid. Sit down!

4. If you can't keep your nail polish in check, don't wear any at all. Peep-toe shoes and sandals require you to have your toe game on point. This means painting all toes, not just the big toe ladies.

5. Take care of your feet, please. This doesn't have to mean regular professional manicures. It means lotion and nail-clippers. It also means wearing socks with your sneakers. This is basic, but is most common infraction.

6. No toes over the front scraping the ground or the back of your foot spilling over at the back or your pinkie toe escaping out on the side.

7. No glitter or sequins during the day. This is non-negotiable. Some metallics are okay if worn in moderation.

8. Always know your shoe expiration hours. Some shoes are strictly from the house to the car to the restaurant or anywhere that has chairs. Plan accordingly. This means, if you are going clubbing ladies, by all means, get the medium-heels, leave the big guns at home if you're going to be on your feet for more than 2 hours.

9. Thou shall not be made to feel guilty about your collection.

10. Before you die, experience having sex with your favourite pair on. It's not about pretending to be a porn star or anything, it's about feeling sexy and powerful. It's about bringing one of your favourite things to bed, literally. Besides, it forces you to get creative and move away from the bed. It's about understanding why some women have that air about them when they are strutting down the street in those fire-engine red pumps. Maybe they are just reminiscing.

Good news, I passed

2007-08-25T13:45:00.000-05:00

Final grades are finally out. Rest assured, the well-known promotion meetings that are supposed to be hush-hush between faculty and administration at the college went well since I managed to get all As except for accounting, but that was to be expected. Numbers tend to confuse me especially when I'm supposed to make sense of them beyond adding, subracting, multiplying and dividing them.

The colleges are known to decide students' fate during these meetings. For example, even if you bombed your last exam and were nothing but a mirage the rest of the school year, a professor could still make a case for you to allow graduation based on their gut feeling or your bull shit input during class discussion or something like that. I wasn't one of those people, I actually gave a damn about my education since I damn well paid for it. It's amazing how going to school when you're older is so different. I remember how many classes I skipped in university and how many papers I wrote the day before they were due, oh, wait a minute, that still hasn't changed.

With this rite of passage comes the dreaded question, "So, have you found a job, yet?" I loathe that question. Not in itself, but when it's asked of me on a weekly basis. Trust me, you'll know when I've landed a job in my field. Is it me, or does everyone else hate writing cover letters. Even though my field is Human Resources and I'll probably get my professional membership revoked, but I find the whole recruitment and selection process full of shit, but more on this later.

I Choose Me

2007-08-20T20:24:00.001-05:00

He came back calmly waiving his white flag
His voice floating over the radio waves
So smooth and thick with familiarity
His apologies so assertive and certain
A pre-emptive strike to my questions
My conflicted soul
I counted the days he forced us apart, but agreed to hear the explanation in person
In the bookstore, he said he had to get away to find himself
I screamed silently, clever for him to pick this venue
He knew I hated making a scene
My mama raised me never to forget my manners
His said his principles were helter skelter
He had to get his life straight
Had to do what he had to do, alone
And oh, he was not ready for a relationship
I was the right woman at the wrong time
And now he asked, can we start over?
Take it one day at a time?
After all, he remembered our “brief collision of joy” so well
Had the nerve to walk down “our” street seeking my hand
It was all so much for me
I’d be damned if I was going to let him see me crumble
In the bathroom of my favourite dessert restaurant, I looked hard at myself
I felt my identity leaking down my face
Why him?
Why can’t I shake him off?
Of all the people to fall for, why the one without a compass
So I choose to let you go
I choose to refuse to wait for you to decide our fate
I choose to put myself first
I choose to let our brief collision of joy to be just that, brief
Between you and me
I choose me

Slow news day

2007-08-18T14:56:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was my last exam and a few people took it upon themselves to organize a little get-together in the evening involving drinks and appetizers at a restaurant and a night out at the club. I was all about getting my food and drink on at the restaurant, but passed on the club thing for 2 reasons.

1. I was too tired and crampy to dance the night away
2. The club they wanted to go to was way too fake bougie for me and the gate-keeper fully turned away my date the last time I did try to hang out with these people. Racist bastard said that he couldn't get in because his shoes were too casual even though we saw a whole heap of scruffy looking white boys getting in with some of the dirtiest sneakers I've ever seen.

In any case, I decided to drag my ass to the restaurant an hour and a half late only to find 5 people there. The rest of the class was MIA. I'm not one to perpetuate stereotypes, but I believe white people to show up when they say they will and on time at that. In this case, all the people (all 25 of them) that said would show, just didn't. So here's my question. Why say yes to showing up for an event when you damn well know that you have no intention of showing up. Do people really find it that hard to say no to a party or a get together??? Anyway, I cracked a few few jokes with the people that were there, had one martini and we all parted ways since they were all disappointed that 98% of our classmates didn't show up like me. What a waste of stilettoes and skinny jeans.

The Countdown

2007-08-15T21:27:00.001-05:00

I know this is overkill, but I did say that I am her biggest fan.

Hate on Me - Jill Scott

2007-08-12T22:09:00.000-05:00

I'm about to start my final exams, but had to take a break to post this!
As promised, here's the new video from my favourite artist, fresh from her divorce and taking charge! Love the song, but not feeling the video so much...I do love the Cornel West cameo though, very random, but great to see that she's got some "influential" folks backin' her up...and was that Tavis Smiley? Her album drops September 25th

Looking for life-altering literature

2007-07-28T11:18:00.000-05:00

This is a call to the whole blogosphere. I'm looking for people to share the books that changed their way they look at life (in whole or in a small, but signifacant part). I'll offer my own selective list:

The Temple of My Familiar - Alice Walker
The Famished Road - Ben Okri
Life of Pi - Yann Martel

On Dating Younger Men

2007-07-28T11:00:00.001-05:00

I've always believed that people should date anyone they want as long as they are both consenting adults or teenagers for that matter. Personally, I've never been one to go for the younger guys since I was in high school. I guess I'm not different like from other women who always found that boys their own age just weren't cutting it. Which ironically makes me old-fashioned I guess. So in essence, the latter part of high school was spent messing around with the college guys and my university days were spent dating men in their late 20s and 30s. I just found that I had more in common with the older crop and I never felt like I was losing out on my youth or anything. So it goes without sayin that I got used to dating around dinner, live music, out of town trips etc.

Recently, I had an emotional fall-out with such an older guy and its led me to re-evaluate just what type of men I've been picking. As you may recall from the older blogs, I vowed to change my habits and become more open to new experience. As it so happens, a friend of mine who I've known for the past year, manned up, stepped up his game and asked me out. I was skeptical because I never did look at him as nothing more than a friend. It also turns out that he's 3 years younger and while that may not seem like a big deal to some people, it marks a detour for me. Once I stopped being overly dramatic and analytical about it all, I actually allowed myself to just go with the flow and have some fun. And that's another thing. I'm finding that these younger men may just be a whole lot of fun. He convinced me to go "Go-Kart Racing" and i've got the bruises to prove it. He doesn't take himself too seriously and hardly has an itinerary. I think this might just be what I need to get out of my own head for awhile...

21 Questions for July 21st

2007-07-21T10:59:00.000-05:00

Why do humans have to be social creatures?
Why is it hard to control who comes into your social circle sometimes?
Why do I need people to see me as beyond competent?
How come I'm afraid of looking stupid in front of people that aren't friends or family?
Why do I take so long to get ready in the morning?
Why do I need a new outfit everytime I'm going out?
Why haven't they made stilettoes that don't kill your feet?
How come a brother in a well-made suit still takes my breath away?
Why are good lookin' men always around when you are with another man?
Why do I gravitate towards the complicated men?
More importantly, why do I keep picking the wrong men?
When does a stable and dependable guy get exciting?
Why am I not spending enough time on my career development?
How will I change the world for the better?
How come I don't remember the last book I read?
When will the voices in my head stop clamouring for attention?
Where will I be this time next year?
Who keeps calling me private or long-distance and hanging up?
How come the nights are so long and the days so short?
Why did he pick me if he didn't want me?
Why did he stop calling?

New song from Jill Scott - Hate On Me

2007-07-16T22:34:00.000-05:00

Anybody who knows me knows that Jill Scott is my favourite artist of all time. I respect her artistry as a musician and her talents as a poet and a spoken word artist. However, I just found out that she put out an album of her collaborations back in January and I didn't even know about it. Just goes to show you how school has taken over my life.

I've also ran across her new single, "Hate On Me" and I love it. It couldn't have come at a more appropriate time. I'm letting the blogosphere know that I'm going through it right now. You name it, soured romance, self-doubt and anxiety. I'm working on a post about why this song fits my mind state right now...I just don't know whether to put in in prose or verse. I should have the finished product by the end of the week I hope.

In any case, I can always count on the introspective Ms. Scott to break it down. She has this amazing ability of writing the simplest lyrics that are infused with so much meaning. Jill Scott's face needs to be put next to the word "sub-text" in the dictionary. You can listen to the song here until a video becomes available, here are the lyrics:

If I could give you the world

On a silver platter

Would it even matter?

You'd still be mad at me

If I could find in all this

A dozen roses

Which I would give to you

You'd still be miserable

In reality, I'm gon' be who I be

And I don't feel no faults

For all the lies that you bought

You can try as you may

Break me down but I say

That it ain't up to you

Go on and do what you do

Hate on me, hater

Now or later

'Cuz I'm gonna do me

You'll be mad, baby

(Go 'head and hate)

Go 'head and hate on me, hate on

'Cuz I'm not afraid of it

What I got I paid for

You can hate on me

Ooh, if I gave you peaches

Out of my own garden

And I made you a peach pie

Would you slap me high

What if I gave you diamonds

Out of my own womb

Would you feel the love in that,

Or ask "why not the moon"?

If I gave you sanity

For the whole of humanity,

Had all the solutions

For the pain and pollution

No matter where I live,

Despite the things I give,

You'll always be this way

So go 'head and....

You cannot hate on me

'Cuz my mind is free

Feel my destiny

So shall it be

Disposable income?? What’s that?

2007-07-11T18:33:00.001-05:00

My friends keep giving me kudos for going back to school for some post-grad work, but they aren’t really giving me any advice on how to finance a social life. Student life means you're constantly broke. Ironically, students have the most active social lives when they are the last group of people that can afford to do that in actuality. Now, I’ll concede that I’ve never been a penny pincher or a frugal saver, but damn, why are some of my school mates pushing some BMWs and asking me to go out with them almost every goddamned day??? Where do they get the money to finance all of this?

I’ve got a metro pass, an overdrawn bank account and a damn near maxed-out credit card. It was really hard for me to give up my apartment (moment of silence please)and subsequent bachelorette lifestyle when I decided to go back to school, but I kept my eyes on the prize. There was no way I was going to afford rent and pay my bills while going to school full-time and trying to work a decent-paying part-time gig. So I made my peace, moved back home and joined part of the growing boomerang generation and I was okay with that. Or so I thought. I was never one to keep up with the Jones’, but it seems like I’m starting to cave in to pressure. I’ve already turned down most of the social invites to go drink and mingle (I’m the only black person in my class and it goes without saying that White Canadian culture is nothing without its drinking exploits) and I was starting to look like the anti-social Black girl who comes in late to class and is the first one to leave at the end of classes.

Anyway, I made a conscious effort a couple of months ago to start socializing with these people since the industry I’m trying to get into is quite small and reputations are made and broken with just a little whisper. I eat lunch with them on the regular, have even gone to the wack campus bar for drinks and have also agreed to step out with them a couple of weekends. My problem is that they are ALWAYS going out. Every freaking weekend and almost every other day at school. They even want to eat lunch at restaurants on SCHOOL DAYS. C’mon. I can’t keep up with that. (I’m going to try a new restaurant with them tomorrow, oh why did I say yes when I know I can use that money on something else?)

In their defence, most of them do have part-time jobs and are living at home, but a few are either married or live on their own. Are they just better at handling money than I am or are they still getting an allowance? Most of our textbooks alone cost about a bill each for crying out loud and I’ve taken about 9 courses so far. Why do I find it hard to just say no when I can’t afford to go out?? Why do I always have to make some other lame excuse like, oh, I already had plans or something like that? I can’t believe I’m keeping up with the student Jones’.

Woman of the Week - Venus Williams

2007-07-08T19:55:00.000-05:00

Venus Williams won her fourth Wimbledon singles title on Saturday after coming in at #31 because of a wrist injury. Venus and her sister Serena have totally changed the face of tennis more so than Tiger changed golf I think. I say that because they are both outspoken (Venus was very vocal about having equal prize money for both men and women), unafraid of physically dominating a game and also for being brown-skinned and coming into one of the whitest sports in history with beaded cornrows! You go girl.

Carnivores, Here’s How To Date a Vegetarian

2007-07-08T15:32:00.000-05:00

Since dating normally revolves around eating, I thought I would post some helpful hints on how to survive dating a vegetarian during the first crucial five dates or so. I've been through the trenches myself, and I thought that it's my duty to educate any meat-eaters out there interested in dating a vegetarian.

Not every veggie head out there is a card-carrying PeTA member. Some of us are just regular folk who made a conscious choice to stop eating meat as adults for a multitude of reasons ranging from the pursuit of a healthier lifestyle, to deep ethical and moral ideologies.

1. Save the interrogation on why I became a vegetarian or just how I fulfill my daily protein quotient until we are better acquainted.
2. Try to learn the difference between a vegetarian and a vegan and you won’t have to figure out why I still wear leather products.
3. Don’t assume you’re being reprimanded, recruited or converted if I suggest a completely vegetarian restaurant. It’s just that, a suggestion.
4. A vegetarian diet is more varied than a regular one so please understand that I can’t live by salad and breadsticks alone.
5. You earn major cool points for finding out the vegetarian options at your favourite restaurant in advance.
6. Get comfortable with “ethnic” restaurants like Moroccan, Indian, Chinese, Thai, Mediterranean because they are more veggie friendly.
7. No, I can’t share your pepperoni pizza with you, even if you pick off the pepperoni.
8. Yes, I mind if the diner you picked cook BOTH their veggie and meat burgers on the same grill.
9. If you are happy being a carnivore, that’s your beef (pun intended). No need to defend your flesh eating habits to me. I made my choice, be happy with yours.
10. Don’t jump with glee and start pointing fingers as if you just caught me ordering a quarter pounder with cheese at McDonalds’ when you see me with the occasional bag of chips or chocolate bar. I occasionally indulge in junk food just like everyone else. I’m a vegetarian, not a freaking saint.

Women ARE funny

2007-07-06T21:42:00.000-05:00

Once in a while, I need to just forget about all the stress that comes with life and just have a good laugh. Not a smile, a chuckle or a giggle, I mean a full out, teary-eyed type of belly laugh. I believe the English call it a guffaw. I used to tune into Dave Chappele’s show, but we all know the brother’s consciousness got the best of him (I’m both proud and mad at him in a hypocritical kinda way). Sometimes I would tune in to Comedy Central and check out some of the comics and found that the Canadians were funnier than the Americans but overall, many are just alright, very few made actually laugh out loud. Except the women.

I’ve heard that the comedy circuit is a very serious business and very hard to get into, but even harder if you are female. I don’t know how the myth started, you know the one about men being funnier than women. I think that’s just silly. It's akin to saying only men can be world class chefs or engineers. Either you are funny or you're not, regardless of which washroom you use. Just look at all the popular American sitcoms out there and you'd be hardpressed to find a female LEAD in a comedy. Alas, the myth persists.

I can only name a few women off the top of my head that have had some historic success doing comedy; Mae West, Phyllis Diller, Mary Tyler Moore, Roseanne Barr, to some extent Joan Rivers and Ellen DeGeneres. But as the list demonstrates, they usually gain infamy not fame for violating some kind of womanliness for being too gay, too loud, too fat, or just plain too much. Gotta love double standards. I love the weird hijinks of "alternative" white female comics like Margaret Cho, Jeneane Garafalo and Sara Silvermen. And of course they are all white. I can’t think of any black female stand-up comics that have managed to get the same popularity as their male counterparts.

Almost everyone I know lists Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, Chris Rock or Dave Chappelle and the like as either one of their top 10 favourite comics or acknowledge them as a big influence. How come we don’t have the same pool of easily recognizable female names to pull from? Yes, I’m aware that we live in a very sexist and most often misogynistic world, but c’mon! I can’t recall female comics getting any hype since 2001’s Queens of Comedy! I liked the movie and I think it held its own against Kings of Comedy. I thought Miss Laura was pretty funny and she did a great job as host. Adele Givens had her moments as did Mo’nique, but it was Sommore that really did crack me up.

I’ll admit that I used to watch some episodes of BET’s comic view once upon a time and of course Def Comedy Jam. My problem with the two shows is that the comics seem to share all the same material. How many times can I laugh at jokes about the ‘hood, big booties, white people, weed smoking exploits, big ass roaches and the like? Gimme something I can relate to for once! Is it hard to understand that maybe, just maybe, your fanbase may be bigger than NYC or Cali or Atlanta??? I was always looking for comics who broke the mold, tackled different subjects or even the ones that went longer than 5 minutes without cussing.

In any case, over the years, I’ve been watching a few comics/actresses who have been doing their thing. They are in no particular order.
1. Wanda Sykes – love or hate her. This woman has been hustling since her short-lived show Wanda at large got cancelled. She’s taken one too many turns as the sassy black maid; Monster-in-Law, Down to Earth, but she’s hella funny in that new show The New Adventures of Old Christine.

2. Jennifer Lewis – she steals every scene she’s in. Check her out as Toni’s mother in Girlfriends or Will’s aunt in The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

3. Aisha Tyler – there’s nothing conventional about this girl. Yes, she was the first black romantic interest on the whitest show in current syndication – Friends
4. Whoopi Goldberg – how unconventional can you get? I love her stand-up, but I’m not a fan of her tv and movie projects most of the time.

5. Debra Wilson – she's freaking great with impressions. She does the best Whitney Houston impersonation I've ever seen.

Let me know which black women you think got jokes. Stand-up comic or actress, it doesn't really matter.