Dear Universe

I want my groove back. Like seriously. Like right now. I mean, I know I said that I would hold up my end of the bargain if all opportunities were presented and I promised to seize the day and ride that wave until I was lifted so high falling was not an option because the ground was so blurry and out of focus. You promised to get me lifted if I believed in your power.

Well I did. I’ve been hustling, staying on my grind and emitting positive energy and purging my soul of any stagnant and fetid regrets. You know, the ones that take shape in spontaneous episodes of self-pity and midday nightmares of what was, could have been and should be. Well, I’ve been awake and embracing what is. I’m trying to just be. Here. Now. In the moment.

I’ve maintained my end of the bargain and I need you to pay your dues and show me something, anything and real fast. Granted, I usually take the easy way out and succumb to the cult of karma and make sure that my actions are neither harmful nor exploitive of other spirits or souls, but dammit, I need my payout like right now.

You done know that I don’t subscribe to prayer that is selfish, submissive or misguided. I believe in the open-eyed, debit and credit, tit for tat, quid pro quo, tangible and transformative variety of prayer and last I counted, I be sending prayers out like Bush be deploying soldiers in the Far, Middle and Near East.

However, why is that I’m starting to see the same patterns, my rhythm is syncopated and the beat in my music is still slightly staccato. Tell me why that is. Universe, tell me why hardworking folk still can’t get a break. Tell me why those leading healthy and righteous lives get taken away from us.

How come humility and conscientiousness is not rewarded. How come arrogance is revered and thoughtfulness dismissed.

Universe, I'm asking you to take care of that support system that sustains me, the one that DOES lift me higher whenever I need it. You need to make sure THEIR prayers are answered because without them, I cease to be. Forget about me, if you want me back in your realm, listen to them first.

Slam poets

went to a poetry slam with boyfriend. it was good. i enjoy slam poetry and it had been a minute since I went to see one. found some youtube clips of the winners and they are straight up recycling some of their material at different slams (except for carlos. it's one of my pet peeves to catch performers reciting the same shit year after year, but it was my first time hearing these pieces yesterday...

winner- jamaal st. john
he didn't do this piece yesterday, but i can see that it's a past Toronto offering.


he performed this one below without reading it off the page last night and it came off much better than this clip


2nd place - crystal lee
she performed this one...


3rd place - carlos andres gomez
had no idea he'd been on def poetry jam, he didn't do this piece, but he had me on my feet with a piece about being reduced to an exotic creature in Britain and him cutting up the gawking English lady who kept asking him to speak "Columbian."

Baseball & Bootcamp

baseball

we have our league play-offs next week and then the season's over. haven't gotten my hands on my stats yet.

my game has consistently improved, but not by much. i still hit like i haven't eaten breakfast, and rarely strike out. i never graduated past the back catcher spot, although my catching at home plate took out some opponents a couple of weeks back which meant the team respected me just a little bit more.

don't think i'd do it again though. this whole thing of playing on sunday morning ain't my thing. i mean, if my own mother can't get me to get up to go to church, you can understand just how much i love my sleep. in fact, sunday is my designated do nothing and sleep in as long as I can day cuz i'm trying to get mentally ready for monday and conquering the world.

weight-watching

after watching countless hours of x-weighted and the last 10 lbs. bootcamp (unless you have Canadian cable channels, that was Latin right there) i've decided to get my ass in bootcamp. i'm not lacking in self-esteem, but i ain't liking what i'm looking in the mirror lately. i wanna lose a few and tone up a LOT. things are jiggling 20 minutes after i've stopped moving.

now, the last time i had any abs to speak of, well, a four pack actuall, i was 17. i ain't stupid and i don't necessarily want that body back. but dang, love handles do not look cute in half the shit that's in my wardrobe. i can't be having my gut sticking out more than my ass. i'm proud of my T & A, but i can't really appreciate it if it's competing with the ever expanding mid-section and back fat. hell no.

so, i've stopped complaining. i'm joining a 4 week bootcamp that starts in late september. i hate gyms and this place allows you to work out outside with your class with a trainer. it's 3 days a week for an hour and i'm ready. before i put the payment through though, decided to watch a class in action tomorrow after work, just so i can mentally prepare my ass of the physical ass whoopin.

goal is to drop 10 pounds and get some strength and endurance out of it. i figure after bootcamp, i can work on all the other specifics.

not looking forward to spending the $250 dollars, but kinda looking forward to purchasing some cute work-out gear for motivation...

i'll let you know how tomorrow goes.

Tryng to stay updated

What! It's September already? I'm doing such a shitty job of staying on top of things, especially this blog. You see, my ass was unemployed for such a long time that I was on the laptop like 24/7. But after clocking 7hrs 15 min Monday thru Friday staring at a screen, the last thing I wanna do is come home and stare at another screen typing. But that feeling should subside when I get my groove. Anyway, here's the low down.

WORK
Things are going, Sept. 13 mean I’d have been there 3 months. I got fired on my 3 month anniversary at my last gig so you can understand my apprehension as I approach that date.

As promised in an early post a couple months back, here’s the breakdown of the list of characters.

Big Mama
- she’s the Senior VP of the department
- one of the few female execs in the place
- in her mid 50s, never been married as far as I can tell and no kids
- this of course means the cranky spinster stereotypes about
- it’s an open secret that she don’t like non-white folk
- all her favourite people in the department and company just happen to be blonde and blue-eyed
- last month she went behind my back to the manager about me, she thought I wasn’t working the required overtime in order to get my Friday afternoons off every other week
- she thinks I’m barely competent
- she gives me the most mundane and boring tasks to do and never trusts me with any project that require thinking
- she hates all skinny bitches (her words not mine)
- she’s a guy’s gal type of gal that fits into the boys club just right
- she’s got eagle eyes, see shit that’s not even there half the time
- I really wanted to respect her when I first met her
- Soon realized that she’s from the ol’ school of all subordinates are never to be trusted and should be within eyesight at all time to make sure they working

Big Sis
- HR manager out to prove herself
- Trinidadian background with an upper middle class Canadian mentality
- Easily stressed out
- Single mom, trying to piece together her story, but I’m not one to pry
- Insecure about her place there, only been there a year
- She’s had some close run-in with Big Mama
- Was ready to quit more than a few times
- Doesn’t think I’m an idiot, but she’s only now trusting me with actual work and not just silly admin work
- Her alliances seem fickle
- Participates in bitch sessions about Big Mama

Jaded & Bitter
- been there 4 years and never promoted
- she’s cool with Big Sis
- 32, but acts 22
- Going thru a divorce and I hear about it er’day
- Can’t take her seriously cuz she plays the victim card, but goes clubbing 4 days out of the week
- Can’t keep her drama to herself, it’s a known secret she’s crushing and pining over a co-worker in a regional office a few minutes away who just wants to play games with her
- She’s a slacker, but knows how to work the culture and politics of the place

Golden Child
- 23 year old dynamo that brought me in
- She ain’t dumb and will probably be running the department in 5 years
- She’s got her whole life planned already
- She knows how to work Big Mama and make her comfortable
- Jaded & Bitter resents her, but she’s made it so that they’re friends
- I’d say Jaded & Bitter looks at her as a frenemy tho
- Quintessential small time girl with matching earnest and conservative values
- She bakes cakes and cookies whenever we have a meeting
- She whines about being on the Social committee, but I think it’s all plan of her masterplan
- Everyone knows her name and her “profile” which is huge in corporate speak
- I totally respect her hustle
- She’s earned some huge points with Big Mama cuz I’m working and haven’t fucked up so far

Follow that Sound Pt. 2

So i'm gonna follow that sound until I can find my voice again.
My absence from the blog was not welcomed, it just happened. Been having a hell of a time trying to find my voice.

Suddenly, all my nightmares from 15 years ago are resurfacing. I'm that 13 year old with that heavy Malawian accent in the playground. My vowels desperately trying to wrap themselves around these weird Canadian consonants causing mass discordance that throws me off balance for the next 15 years of my life.

The harsh realities of the immigrant experience on young is not accurately shown. The idea of a proud Canadian identity of diversity is force-fed and ingrained on impressionable minds that we start to believe it, eat it up and tout it's existence. In reality, I should have told the truth. Do I really want to be a globe trotter? Where is home, where do I belong. These questions now haunt me as an adult.

Guilt accumulates for blaming the parents for not having enough money to send me back home on regular visits so that I too could boast of a truly authentic tie to my homeland. But truth be told, I don't even think in my native tongue. As a matter of fact, I have trouble holding a conversation with it. I understand the words as they are spoken to me, but I've lost all understanding of nuance or ability to break down parables, metaphors and all similes. The true form of communication. The ability to relate on a figurative level by using a literal foundation.

As the years pass, I feel less and less like a citizen of the world. In actuality, I could not map out my spiritual home. How can I. I express myself in the language of my adopted country, but it does not always feel like home on my tongue.

I NEED TO GO HOME.

Follow that Sound

Been watching a new show called "The Cleaner." Have always had a sweet and soft spot for Benjamin Bratt (shame on you Julia Roberts, you didn't know what you had) and I've followed him from the Law & Order days, through some embarrassing Rom-Coms and yes, even thru the disaster that was Catwoman with Ms. Halle Berry, but I feel as though he's arrived with his new show about addiction.

The dark themes of the show suit me just fine and I think he's doing a fantastic job. I swear, the networks are not paying me to write this. It's just that I've been sick of all the junk that's on TV lately and here comes a show that deals with junkies of all sorts in a refreshing way.

All the crime and legal dramas and procedurals get all the glory, but dang, how many times can I watch a show about somebody dying, someone finding out how somebody died, people defending those that caused somebody to die or someone doing something illegal that courts death, you get the picture. It's all death and destruction one level or another, disaster porn if you will. In any case, one of the episodes on this new show featured a song called "Follow that Sound" by Sharon Little. Had no idea who she was, still don't reall, but the song and voice haunted me and so I promptly googled and youtubed her.

Voila, I love her voice. She's got this acoustic pop-soul thing going on but she still remind me of a Jazzy Janis Joplin...does that even make sense. Here's a cut of her live performance. When I can get my concurrent ADD and lazy ass in order, I"ll find out more about her.

Been in a dark place

There is a lot of darkness surrounding me right now. The clouds are making clarity very difficult. I am working on getting it all out. Whenever I feel this way, the joint below usually helps. It helps me get still, internalize, focus and get me in a meditative state. That's how I can keep up the masquerade...



Caught up in a web of deception, from this shit I done learned new lessons
So what you do, you keep on playing, you play on, player
From love to confusion you keep getting but you keep losin
So what cha find comforting you've proven, boozin, heart bruisin'
I'm the one, from the high note to the low pains you see destruction but your like ah man!
All the voices they're hid in your head, they all laugh ha ha ha ha ha yeah
From your denials to your delusions everything you gain you keep losin
What you not know it's an illusion, so what the hell your doing

He's looking and looking, he's looking and looking, he's looking and looking
He's looking at you, he's looking at me, he's looking and looking
...

You wake up every morning but baby boy you're not sleep
Your test full but your not on
Your running fast but you're not on your feet and your speed is there
You run on but you don't know, you climb inside but you can't grow
Faster and faster til you fall to the floor
You screamed on but don't say
You work and work with no pay, you punch a clock but never end your day
You take vacation but your not playing what we say by this time here my friends drink three
You cry cry revolution, but which you want a solution
But you're more content being a pollution jump in the motion, and ask the notion

He's looking and looking, he's looking and looking, he's looking and looking
He's looking at you, he's looking at me, he's looking at looking
...

Self love self preservation, Self love self preservation, Self love self preservation
...

L O V E love yourself
L O V E love yourself

If you don't like your job, why don't you just quit stop being a bitch love yourself
If you believe things kind work out easily,
I'm telling you if you don't like what your mother's telling you
Then be a grown man and stand up on your own two and love yourself
If your girlfriend's is on welfare, then baby walk away
You don't have to care and love yourself
And if standing on the corner and pushing rocks up in your sock
Ain't what you want to do tonight then love yourself

L O V E your L O V E your L O V E self
He's looking at love

- Self Love by Jaguar Wright